Tagged with "ork"
The Beginning of Ork War II Tags: ork war ii


    It's not often Elf Clan hears from the Orks (at least not publicly) so the following post is a significant part of Elf Clan history.  To fill in some background:  The pixies and dwagons thought the Ork Embassy looked a little drab and dull... so at the Pixie's direction they all got together and decorated.  Said decorations took the form of pink doilies, flowers, hearts aplenty, Hello Kitty cushions, unicorns, pink curtains, pink doormats... well, you get the idea.

    The Orks were less than appreciative.   The next day Elf Clanners logged on to this rare public blog posted by Ork Leader Schlitzie Martini.  

   The Ork challenge post:





Da Orkz knowz dat yooz gitz invaded our landz and left yer nasty candy all over da place!!! We iz not amyoozd! An' since yooz weedy grotz ain't got nuffin ta invade, my gretchinz iz takin' dis 'ere horsey-fing hostage!

Da orkz will let dis 'ere nasty fing go when yooz gitz get sum land so we'z can invade all propa like!!!!



Da Orkz!


    There was no doubt in anyone's mind:  it was on.  The result was the well-known Ork War II-- Ork embattlement on one side of the sandbox, Pixie fortress on the other side.  Someone shot the first round and after that it was arrows and spears and swords vs crayon guns, pink toilet paper launchers and pie throwers.   Oh the mayhem, the mayhem.



What is an Ork? Tags: ork orc



by Schlitzie Martini, Big Boss of the Waaaugh!

Elf Clan's Ork allies


Heya folks. I've found that many of you, while very familiar elves, pixies, and other "light" races of fantasy and even their "dark" counterparts (dark elves for example) aren't quite as familiar with one of fantasy's oldest and dearest adversaries, the orc. So I have decided to write this here blog to get you familiarized with them, their relationship to Elf Clan, and why I dig anything and everything orky.

The idea of orcs were first conceived by JRR Tolkien. In his stories they were elves that were twisted and misshapen by Melkor. They were brutal, twisted, ill tempered, and vicious beasts.

This concept later was taken by Dungeons and Dragons and they were added as a race onto themselves, meant to be used as adversaries for the players.

From that moment on, many games have taken the idea and added their little twist to them. Every new game or story that includes orcs/orks has added new elements to them, thus making them ever more varied, arguably even more so than elves.

I myself have tried to take the most interesting concepts of orky behavior and blend them into Elf Clan. So here is a list of what makes an orc/ork in my conception (and yes there's a difference between an ORC and an ORK, yet they are the same....confused yet? lol)

I've mainly drawn my concepts from Warhammer and World of Warcraft, being as these two concepts fit very well into what I have in mind.

Orcs, while seemingly stupid, are actually quite cunning. They love to play 'country dumb' with the other races, making them think orcs are nothing but stupid grunts incapable i of thoughts higher than "ME SMASH!" While there are those orcs that are just that dumb, and orcs do love to smash things, the cunning orc smashes things that matter. They love to be underestimated....it's what makes them formidable opponents during a war.

Orcs love simple things. Food for example...they can and will eat just about anything, but they prefer a carnivorous diet and are not above eating their own fallen in battle. In peacetime however, they are quite content to just nab a quick nosh at the local eatery...or snatch up any hobbits that come wandering too close to their home, which ever is easier.

They also love to fight. Usually this entails weapons, but some orcs have found other types of competition amusing as well.

Orcs also have a very high and simple code of honor. It doesn't take much to make an orc mad, but they love to huff and stomp. You cross his honor however, and you are in for a world of hurt!

I think that about covers things for now, but I will ad more to this blog later.

After the initial results of the first ORK/PIXIE war, something has come to my attention. Many do not seem to grasp ork logic. It's quite simple really. it goes like this:

Orkz love to fight.
Orkz love to win.
If orkz fight and win a battle, they win.
If orkz fight and lose a battle, they STILL win because they got to fight.

See? simple. Orkz fight, Orkz win.


Part 2     Schlitzie answers questions about Orks


1) You mentioned Ork honor. Some greater detail as to what Ork honor is and how it works would be most interesting for our readers.

Ork honor, as it stands within Elf Clan anyway, is pretty simple. Orks hold strength as a great asset, and strength comes in many forms...most obviously physical strength, but strength in wisdom is also very highly regarded. Orks live by their word, and will hold to that word by pain of death. Of course orks can vary on how far this honor is extended. Some view all sentient beings as capable of honor and strength and extend this to all who they feel worty, while other orks are more xenophobic viewing other races as weak, therefore not worthy of such honor. Many orks hold to a form of warrior code, much like bushido of the samurai.

2) The actual difference between Orcs and Orks. Most folks don't know.

The two terms can be used interchangeably, thus throwing much confusion over which is which.
ORC is usually the more generic of terms, used in many fantasy genres and fiction, especially when refering to those of Middle Earth. It is also the preferred spelling by elves and men.
ORKS or more aptly ORKZ is the spelling used when orks refer to themselves. It also best describes the space orks of Warhammer 40,000, which is where I get most of my inspiration.

3) Ork logic. It's far different from other races (more akin to Klingons I think). Fill us in.

This was covered earlier in the post, but bears repeating I believe:
Orkz love to fight.
Orkz love to win.
If orkz fight and win a battle, they win.
If orkz fight and lose a battle, they STILL win because they got to fight.

4) How'd you come to be the leader of the Orks on Second Life?

Just like any self respecting ork warboss...I was the BIGGEST and LOUDEST. I simply said "I'M DA BIG BOSS!" and da other orkz sed "YOOZ DA BOSS!"

5) Why did the Orks decide to support Elf Clan and how'd you get to be our oldest and most loyal allies?

That goes into quite a bit really, quite simply put Elf Clan has always been very positive and supportive to all things orky, so we stuck with them.

6) What are "grots", "gretchins" and "snotlings"?

ahh, the wee gitz! here's the break down:

Gretchin are the WH40K term for goblins, which are related to orks. They tend to be more cunning, but very cowardly unless encountered in large numbers. They also tend to be lackeys to bigger orks or nobz and even to big bosses.

Snotlings are smaller and stupider versions of goblins, very animal like and vicious. They are also very tasty and end up eaten if they aren't quick enough to get away from a hungry ork.

Grot is a term orks use to refer to things smaller and weaker than they are, mainly in reference to the smaller greenskins mentioned above, but sometimes in reference to anything smaller...usually as an insult (another fun pastime for orks, hurling insults).

Squigs should be mentioned as well. These are nasty critters that can vary widely in size AND in uses. Orks cannot grow hair, so they use specialized "hair-squigs" for this purpose. Some squigs are merely meant to be eaten, while some are bred for fighting, while some can be grown to gigantic proportions and used as battle wagons...these are known as squiggoths and be as big as a house.

7) What is a dakka dakka?

DAKKA is a word orks use in reference to guns and gunfire. One can usually hear a Flash-Git or a Shoota Boy yelling "DAKKA DAKKA DAKKA!" as he fires rounds in battle. Dakka by itself is usually a reference to automatic guns and machineguns.


Part 3   Ork Heirarchy

Ah some of you might not know what the ork hierarchy is, so here's the breakdown lowest to highest

GIT or GROT: also used as insults, this rank is usually held by gretchin

BOYZ: Also used in to refer to orkz as a whole, this is the basic rank and often used after a word to describe what sort of boy the ork is for example SLUGGA BOYZ are melee fighters, SHOOTA BOYZ are gunners and such.

'ARD BOYZ: these are boyz that have fought more than a few battles, and harder to take down. Veterans of many battles.

NOBZ: When orkz grow more powerful, they grow in size. Nobz are like elite soldiers...they bigger, meaner, and in charge when the boss ain't around.

MEGANOBZ: These are nobz that have been augmented with cybernetics and power armor, and much harder to take down than a nob.

BOSS: Ork leaders, but not the top leader. This title is held by orks who lead squads and are usually meaner versions of the squad they lead...they are usually nobz.

BIG BOSS: The head honcho, the big kahuna...the biggest and meanest ork in a WAAAGH and usualy the one who called it. These orkz are huge in size, meaner than mean, and very cunning. You don't get to be a big boss without having some kind of tactical smarts, and the big boss can be quite sneaky when it comes to warfare, using logic thought unknowable amongst the orks.



Ork War III Tags: war ork orc



by Wayfinder Wishbringer, Founder, Elf Clan

Originally posted Nov 21,2011  20:23:01

[Note:  You can view photos of the Ork War starting here:   http://goo.gl/gDgNa  (be sure to read the captions. ;D)

ORK WAR III -- Orks vs Eberbody!!!

The day started out peaceful, the weather beautiful.  It was pretty much like any normal day on ElvenMyst... except that almost all the regular builds were gone and had been replaced by Ork and Elven battle fortresses.  

The Ork Fortress contained numerous heavy walls, pointy stakes and skeletons, as would be expected.  The Elven Fortress contained tall towers, beautifully designed architecture, and of course signs taunting the Orks.  (There were no dwagon pawprints found on the signs, but we have our suspicions.)

Orks.  Empty sim. Final day of Elf Clan on Second Life.  That's all the reason needed.

The war started out simply enough: Orks on one side, Elven, dwagons, pixies and tinies on the other.  An Ork shot an arrow.  A tiny shot a nuclear guided missile.  What can ya say?

From that moment forward anyone entering the sim experienced three hours of total mayhem.  Ignore the fact this was intended to be a fantasy-based war.   At the very entrance of the Elf Clan Floating Castle someone (not saying who) put two boxes full of free weapons for the taking.  Those boxes included everything anyone would need or want... ranging from swords to pies to toilet paper to... well, the aforementioned nuclear guided missile launcher.  No one came into this expecting a fair fight.  

Well, no one except the Orks, that is.   The Orks had been working for weeks on their battle fortress and it showed.  Let's give creds:  their setup rocked.   From their authentic and ancient spiked-wood and stone battle walls, to their physics-enabled stone-blocked gate (boy, was that turkey hard to take down), to their ambush weapons set up just inside the gate... they were ready.  Those weapons included:

* A log dead-fall
* An auto-firing lance launcher
* Chuina up by the gate with an enchanted entrapment archery system ... and their surprise weapon, a huge Ork Battle Dragon (supplied by Flea Bussy), which was just amazingly awesome.  The Ork avatars were largely the work of Flea as well (with a couple of exceptions).  We loves ya Flea!  Grendels rocks!

In short, the Ork encampment was just incredibly awesome.  It was properly orkish, it was fantasy based (well, except for the Space Ork weaponry they brought in later when things went nutz) and it was extremely well done.  They get the prize for sheer building and preparation genius.  

While the Orks had spent weeks planning, building and authenticating, the other side consisting of a small handful of Elven and the rest being dwagons, pixies and tinies... well, the situation was a bit different.

They showed up the day of the war, spent about 30 minutes rezzing numerous Elven buildings and fortifications we'd gathered over the past seven years, and threw up some signs we'd made just that morning.   The Orks did not find that humorous at all, bemoaning all their hard work that was almost instantly counteracted by dwagons and pixies who realized that hey, it's all gonna be pretty much torched over the next hour anyway, so why bother?

Nevertheless, despite its last-minute nature the Elven encampment did look fine, consisting of an Elven twin-tower mansion, a Steampunk building, and an ancient Inn build from a member on the Ork side (Mean Golem) that he'd forgotten he'd even given us in the first place... and left him with the unenviable task of having to torch his own building (snicker snicker).  There was also the original 600 foot tall Elf Clan Castle, all 20 stories of it in splendid hugeness, sporting slogans that were somewhat uh... Ork-bigoted.  (What, Orks don't really take knitting classes?  My bad!)

No one is quite exactly sure what happened next, because well, it pretty much went from 0 to 120 in 1.2 seconds.  From my viewpoint, Ork Chuina shot a pixie with a magical arrow that caged her in a crystal globe.  Someone standing by her responded with a nuke against the Ork stone blockade (which didn't budge an inch).   From that point on, it was hard to tell what was happening in all the smoke, fire,  screaming, mayhem, bombs, arrows, magic spells, particles and war taunts flying between the two encampments.

The first thing no one expected was a certain dwagon showing up in steroid form (namely, about 50 ft tall... almost as tall as the huge wall the Orks had built).  Imagine a gigantic dwagon stomping across the countryside and up to the main gate.  

Snoots tried to take that blockade down.  Despite the huge size (which was considerable)... the blockade held.  The Orks had made it physical so it could be knocked over with enough power... but those were big, heavy stones and they had built it right.   It budged... I think 1/2 a micron, but not much more.  No matter how hard the mega-dwagon pushed the wall didn't move.

The Orks had built their wall well, but they'd failed to take into account two things:

1. A river ran through the East side of their encampment... and tiny critters can swim pretty well

2. Despite their huge, giant, spike-tipped walls... uh... pixies and dwagons can fly (which ability the Orks kindly referred to as "lame cheating").

But fair is fair, and it was established via sim announcement at the beginning of the game that participants could only fly if their avatar allowed flight.  That meant Orks were ground-bound and pixies and dwagons... not so much.  (That was until later, when the Orks brought out their hidden Space Ork equipment such as jetpacks and airplanes, but that's later on in the story).

It didn't take very long for the pixies to storm the castle as they zoomed over the walls without effort... nor for the tinies to swim in via the conveniently located river.  Soon the Orks were fighting inside their walls while the outside area was still being stormed by the Elven, who didn't want to go swimming and could not fly.  (Tines of course, didn't mind wet fur at all.)

Having given up on trying to knock down that [expletive withheld] stonewall gate, the mega-dwgon flew up to the top of the wall where Chuina was taking archery potshots at everyone.   He was sporting a terrific enchanted bow... but it doesn't do much good to try to encase a 50 ft dwagon inside a 5 ft crystal ball.  It just doesn't work.

One thing we can say for the Orks:  they role play very well.  Chuina, seeing Snoots stomp toward him and into him, in a very manly Ork voice shouted "Ouchie!" and dove off the wall for safer ground, after which Snoots spent the next couple of minutes proudly walking back and forth along the top of the wall to emphasize the point that a 50-ft, 30 ton dwagon was more than a match for a 7-ft Ork.  No one was surprised on that point.  (Score 2 for the Orks:  role playing).

Meanwhile, down inside the fortress the Orks were holding their own against an onslaught of tinies and pixies.  Their main defenses having proved totally useless, they fell back to standard melee weapons.   Huge arrows and lances were launched, boulders were thrown, and sword and axes smashed (that lance launcher was pretty awesome).  Chuina was extremely effective with his archery system... more than anyone expected.  He regularly incapacitated his opponents for 60 seconds (which is how long it took the crystal cages to self-destruct), leaving them frustratedly trying to move but failing.  (It was not honorable to exit the cages illegally.  Fair is fair.  The players admirably submitted.)

Mean Golem, Zekeen and Ratien were running around with great gusto, trying to kick and pound creatures far smaller than themselves.  However, said creatures are also well known for being very fast and elusive ankle-biters.  The battle was evenly matched.

About that time someone on the Elven side discovered a device known as a "Happy Cat Gun".  Anyone who has ever used a Happy Cat Gun knows one thing about it:  when it comes to physics, it rules the day.  The gun was aimed at the stone blockade in the main doorway, the trigger was pulled, and the stones vanished in a rain of grinning cat cubes.   They could have been made of butter for all that gun cared as it took out huge cubes of solid granite as if they were tissue.   The Ork blockade was down, their entire fortress now open to full Elven invasion.  

And invade they did.   The Elven side rushed through the now wide open gate and swarmed over the Orks.  At a ratio of about 7 to 20... the Orks were in trouble.  They're valiant fighters, but seriously, it was as if  someone had opened the insanity valve at Arkham Assylum as the remainder of tinies and Elven came pouring through the now-wide-open gates.

But the Orks were not without their backup plan.   Ork Bussy called a special enchantment and suddenly a gigantic battle lizard appeared in the main gate, all but blocking easy access. Standing there ready to gobble down anyone who tried to pass beneath its immense legs, it instantly changed the flow of battle.  Suddenly the Elven side had to battle not only the Orks, but defeat a humongous battle lizard as well!!!

(Actually, the battle lizard just kinda stood there, but the dictates of role playing insisted we attack it... as well as the dictates of tinies battle which read something like "Da bigger it is... da funner it falls".  So although the "battle lizard" was mainly a prop-- it was properly attacked with full intent as if it were an active character.  Score +1 for Elf-side role playing).  

The lizard was attacked with fire spells, nukes, enchanted bombs, you name it.  While they were doing that, a dwagon started flying over the Ork encampment and breathing fire over any building in sight.   The sight of a  hundred tiny fires all over the Ork camp was very satisfying.

In the meantime however, with everyone thus distracted, the Orks took the opportunity to slip through the Elven ranks and head toward their main goal: the Elven Castles.  All three of them.  Before you could say, "Hey, where did the Orks go?"... the castles were in flames.  Not tiny flames, humongous flames.  

See, in  eagerness to set the Ork camp on fire, the Elves had forgotten one primary stratagem:  when it comes to fire, Orks rule.  And when it comes to Orks and fire, Mean Golem rules.

Again, we have to give creds.  They didn't use wimpy fire spells and particles and such.  They used one of the oldest, simplest, most-effective builds on the entire grid:  fuero fire.  Three prims.  These are easy-to-rez, impressive to see, and what with the new Linden Lab 64m prim allowance... they could be stretched to huge size (thankyewverymuch LL).   Before we knew it, the entire Elven encampment was on fire.  Smokey the Bear had a coronary.

Dwagons have both fire and WATER breath, so Snoots flew to the castles and started putting out fires.  But fair is fair:  at least 15 seconds had to be spent on each fire before it could be put out (by returning it to the owner)... and there were dozens of fires (Mean Golem... you pyromaniac!).  So we called to all dwagons to come help put out fires.

That's when we learned there was the only dragon on the entire sim, and no one else had water spells.  

Snoots managed to put out two castle fires and was patting himself nicely on his little scaley back... when it was suddenly realized that while he was putting out fires... Orks were just re-setting them again.  It was obviously a losing battle.  This left the Elves with only one choice:  forget the fires and take out the Orks.

That however, is easier said than done, because if there is one thing that's true about Orks:  they are durn near impossible to defeat.  They're big, they're strong, they have almost limitless energy (in fact, their energy increases magically the more they fight), and they actually enjoy stomping tiny creatures with big watery eyes.

For the next hour it was pretty much hand-to-hand combat (well, hand to hand, nuke-to-hand, major weapons, bullets, huge boulders, you name it).  The war turned into pure carnage as 7 Orks fought off more than 20 opponents.  The sides were pretty evenly matched because, well, unlike the first Ork-Elf war we had in Elf Clan, in this war we had tinies, and those tinies had guns.  If there's one thing tinies know how to do, it's use extensive weaponry of mass-destruction.  And toilet paper throwers.

That doesn't even bring into account the cages, the push-weapons and of course, the dreaded PIE weapons.   Banana cream littered the countryside as Ork after Ork was pied repeatedly.   It didn't really stop them, but it did play havok with Chuina trying to aim his bow through floating cream particles.

Just as it looked as if the battle had been fought to a stalemate, the Elven side pulled out its last secret weapon: more tinies.

See, the tinies had their own event that didn't end until 2 hours into the Ork War.  After that event was over, they could not resist joining in the Ork war.  So while the Orks had been already fighting for 2 hours... suddenly the Elven had a whole slew of tinies appear out of nowhere.   Those tinies took one look at what was going on, and almost of one mind a single thought went through their little collective brains:  "BIG BADDA BOOMS!!!"   

One could almost feel sorry for the Orks as tinies poured down the hillsides, all of them armed with weapons only tinies can conceive.  A scene of mere carnage suddenly turned into a  landscape of awesome destructiveness.  The Orks were in trouble.

However, the Orks had held back their last secret weapon for just such an occasion. Realizing the tinies had started the war off with nukes... the Orks pulled out their secret stash of Space Ork weapons (which they'd procured from the year 40,000... long story that) and suddenly they had jetpacks and strafer planes at the ready. 

One of the elven (Cleome Jewell) went down and stayed down, her poor, beaten body the first casualty of the war (someone actually took time to bury her... as the grave marker clearly pronounced).  RaptonX rained down death from the skies as he zoomed around in his jetpack.  

Then out of nowhere came the Ork Boss himself, Schlitzie Martini, in an Ork Killa Kan... a huge dreadnought of significant damage, stomping tinies right and left, bombing them and reaping destruction down upon them.   One tiny driving around his Camaro (don't ask me.  Tinies defy the laws of space-time)... suddenly found his car underneath the huge Killa Kan and being stomped to oblivion.  Everyone could hear his tiny voice yelling at the top of his little lungs:  "You jerk!  I just had this waxed and detailed!!!"  

While the tinies and Schlitzie were fresh, the rest of the Orks, well, they'd been fighting a while against overwhelming odds.  Koni, the gorgeous female Ork, had stopped fighting tinies and had become a voluntary moving target while she ran around snapping photos for the archives.  Chuina, Zek, Ratien and Mean were still going, but Mean Golem IMed me and said, "Dude, can we bring this to a close?  We're getting tired."  Mwahahhaaha. 

Orks may be powerful, but tinies will overcome with sheer energy every time.

So it was requested a decision be made as to who had won the war.  We looked at both encampments, the amount of damage done, who had best stuck to their roles, who had fought with the most authentic weapons, and who had best achieved their goals.  It was agreed the Orks won on all counts... but it was the last one that was the real kicker.  Because this war, totally lacking a goal of any kind, the goal became to wreck as much destruction as possible.  When it comes to that... well, Orks had it hands down. 

With just 7 Orks against more than 20 opponents, they had managed to set all the Elven buildings on fire, had held their own against their opponents, and even at the end with fresh Elven troops on the scene (in the form of tinies), the Orks still pulled one more trick out of their hats (their futuristic armada, which was totally legal considering the pixies had been blasting them with nuclear bazookas since the first round).

So yes, fair is fair and DA ORKS WINNED!  Of course, we'd been expecting that from the start.  Orks always win.

Now mind you, just because it was judged the Orks won doesn't mean that was the final say.  Some Elven had changed avatars and were now dressed as Orks, Koni and Zekeen were still running around, and Schlitzie (who got to the war fairly late) was still fresh.  

The tinies, having come newly to the war, hadn't had anywhere near their fill of mayhem.   So strongly disagreeing with the concept the Orks had won against the Tinies, they proceeded to prove the opposite as a hoarde of them swarmed us with brand new weapons and pretty much stomped the remaining Orks into the ground, just to make a point.  The Orks came to agree that when it comes to a handful of Orks against a herd of tinies.... Orks pretty much became living, walking targets.   

So the tinies proceeded to beat us soundly about the head and arms for the next 30 minutes or so as we martyred ourselves for the glory of tiny fun.  I have to say, they were ready too.   Between Steampunk Missiles and a sword that impressed the dickens out of me (sent me flying more than a few times), tinies blasting us from all sides-- and not to mention those who enjoyed simply ankle-biting us (ie, pushing us off a hill or platform), the Orks were pretty much wasted from that point on.  We held our own, but it was a hopeless fight.   To be honest, against a sufficient number of tinies with a sufficient number of insane weapons, there is no hope of success.

Still, since the main war lasted two hours and the victory declared, anything thereafter was for the sheer fun of it.  

When it came down to the end of hour three, everyone had thoroughly enjoyed themselves.   The war was followed by a fine last-minute fireworks show by Chuina Asturia, the tinies joining us in mourning the loss of ElvenMyst after 7 years of Elf Clan being on the Second Life grid.

There was river dancing aplenty as the event came to a close.   The comments we received then (and in IMs thereafter) indicated everyone had a great time.  The tinies, who rarely have a chance to attend such total mayhem, thoroughly enjoyed themselves. 

One university instructor who attended as a guest-- and who had never seen such a thing before-- was thoroughly delighted and fully enjoyed herself.  We received IMs from people telling us how much they enjoyed the way we decided to shut down ElvenMyst (namely, in a major no-holds-barred free-for-all that pretty much destroyed the entire sim).  The Orks commented how much they enjoyed it, how much they appreciated finally being able to set everything in ElvenMyst on fire (which of course they'd been wanting to do for years).  A fun time was had by all.


Addendum:  Of course, Elf Clan now exists on OSgrid, where we house 100 regions on our own servers (http://Osgrid.org.  Download the FirestormOS Viewer, register, log in and visit ElvenSong).  We invite everyone to join us there in our expanded mega-islands kingdom.  Thanks to all  of you who helped make our last day on Second Life so enjoyable... and thanks to the Tinies of Raglan Shire for enthusiastically joining us in our final SL event.  : )

I also wish to personally thank the WAAAGH!... our ancient-friends Ork group, who worked so hard to make the war so incredible.  The years just would not have been the same without their unique take on Ork lore.  You all were great.




Da Dwagon and Da Orc Tags: dwagon ork orc stories story

by Snoots Dwagon

Is true story...

The orc smashed through the brush in typical orcish manner, unheeding of the damage caused to fauna or small burrow. His huge battle axe, Crunch and his sword Slasha in hand, he knew himself to be da biggest, baddest creature in da land. He was ORC! Let all fear him.

A few hundred yards further, unfortunately in his path, lay a nest of eggs. The eggs looked odd, covered with scales instead of normal shells, each one colored differently. They had not been wisely placed, and had the dragon who laid them not had a few too many ales that evening in a friendly drinking contest, they might have been placed on a high ridge where they belonged. But, as things might happen, laid they were, the dragon went off to explore a strange sound, and never found her way back.

However, as things would have it, she had the good fortune to lay them near a steam vent, which proved perfect for completing the job she started, even if the inhabitants would hatch without the oversight of a mother.

It should be noted that dwagons are somewhat mischievous even with a mother to guide them. One can only imagine a brood without such guidance.

Of all the eggs, only one had hatched, its former inhabitant pecking at the empty shell and examining the other still-intact orbs. Before long, his brothers and sisters would emerge. But for now he was alone, confused, without mother, and perfectly unaware of all the above. Which meant of course, he was completely happy and curious about everything. Pure, unadulterated dwagon.

He pecked at a couple of eggs, and was rewarded with a resounding peck from within the shell. It would not be long now, maybe an hour or two, before general mayhem would occur, courtesy of a dozen dwagons on the loose. But for now, he was by himself.

There was one thing he knew above all other things: he was the "Offishul Guardian of Da Eggs", an dat was dat.

Unaware of all this, was an orc.

There are three things orcs and dwagons have in common. Both are totally fearless, totally clueless, and therefore totally happy. The unwitting orc happily blundered on through the forest, bringing a near-end-of-life to the countless creatures that barely escaped the size-25 boots that clomped unheedingly forward. Unheeding that is, until suddenly he was greeted by a foot-tall winged lizard with attitude.

"Hi dere!" chirped a high, squeaky voice.

"HUH?" responded the orc, the voice actually making its way through his dull senses and causing him to stop. "HAR! A dwagon!" he roared.

"You an Orc?" the dwagon chirped. "How is you?" The orc looked at him first with one eye, then the other.

"I is fine!" the orc rumbled. "An lots better now dat I gots eggs fer breakfas!"

Now dwagons are many things, but slow-witted is not one of them... which is where they differ from orcs. The dwagon immediately understood the orc's meaning and, since he was "Offishul Guardian of Da Eggs", that was just not going to happen.

"Nope nope nope," the dwagon politely corrected the orc. "Dese are my eggs and dey hatchin' an you not eats 'em." Which of course, the orc thought to be extremely hilarious.

"HAR HAR HAR!" the orc laughed. "You make good joke!" Upon which, the orc made the serious mistake of actually reaching for an egg.

"AARRRGGHH!" the orc roared, pulling back his hand, now showing several dwagon bite marks. "You in trouble now! You bites an orc, you on da menu!"

"BLEH!" the dwagon chirped, spitting. "Orcses taste nastee. BLEH!"

The orc growled. It was obviously smashin time. His hands tightened around Smasha and Crunch as he prepared to add dwagon to his diet.

"DAT DOES IT!" the orc cried. "Eggs an meat on da side!"

"Nuuuuuuuuuuu!" the dwagon screeched and began running around the orc's feet, his little wings flapping.

"I gonna smash you!" the orc yelled. Thinking quickly, the dwagon ran over to the nest and grabbed a piece of his egg shell and put it on his head. His new helmet intact, he turned to the orc.

"Nya nya!" it sang, running to the side to draw attention away from the nest. The orc, totally forgetting the eggs, charged after it.

One thing can be said about dwagons: they are fast. Not as fast as an orc, but a dwagon can make much sharper turns. This was a fact the orc discovered as its head made sudden contact with a tree that refused to move out of his way.

The orc's vision eventually returned and he looked up at the branches, aware that for some reason he was laying on his back. Slowly, cognizance returned to him.

"HAR! GOOD ONE!" the orc laughed. But his laughter was cut short when he suddenly felt dwagon on his chest, saw two swirling eyes staring into his, and felt claws tighten on his chainmail, which he was fortunate to be wearing at the time.

"Sorry bout dis!" the dwagon said, and suddenly latched onto the orc's nose.

"AAAARGH!" the orc cried, jumping to his feet. The dwagon hung on with tiny teeth and fangs as the orc danced around. Just as the orc reached toward the dwagon to dislodge it, the dwagon jumped from it's claw-held position and landed atop the orc's head.

Orcs unfortunately have rather bulky, if long, arms. While they are pure murder in battle because of their reach, orcs simply have great difficulty reaching over their heads in full battle armor. Which is why the dwagon suddenly found itself enjoying its perch, as well as a vantage point from which it could watch the orc dancing around in little circles trying to get to the dwagon. The creature sat down on the orc's helmet, wedging itself between two spikey horns, and enjoyed the ride.

"YA LITTLE SCALED RAT!" the orc cried out. Unable to reach the dwagon, it occurred to the orc to try the battle axe instead. It turned the axe toward the dwagon and hauled back to swing the gigantic, devastating weapon.

He forgot the dwagon was sitting on his head.

The orc found himself looking up at another set of tree branches, different from the first, battle axe Crunch buried deeply in his helmet and just barely grazing the skin beneath. The sound of the impact of stone against metal still reverberated through the forest. Slowly the orc rose to his feet and spent the next couple of minutes walking around in random little circles.

Eventually regaining his limited senses, the orc pried the stone axe from the helmet.

"HAR! GOOD ONE!" the orc said. He turned to see where the dwagon might be. Unfortunately for the orc, the dwagon was right behind him, head cocked, eyeing the one, single area of unarmored body part on the whole creature. The orc heard one, single chirped phrase...

"HINEY BUTT!" This was followed by significant pain to said "hiney butt" as several very sharp teeth sunk unto his posterior. It of course, took a full five seconds for the pain impulse to reach the orc's limited perceptive faculties, during which time the dwagon hung on and sunk teeth deeper. So by the time the orc realized what was going on, there was a considerable amount going on.

"AAAARRRRGGGHHH!" the orc roared in pain, spinning once again to try to dislodge the dwagon from his backside. The dwagon of course, thought this was great fun, and would have continued to hang on as the orc spun, except for the irresistible urge to utter one, single cry of glee.

"WHEEEEEEE!" Upon which, the dwagon dropped to the ground, unfortunately right in front of the egg nest.

"I gonna get you now!" the orc roared. Forward he came, with the weight and muscle of a good size bear, placing the dwagon in a predicament. If the dwagon stood there, he would be stomped flat. If he moved, the eggs would be stomped flat. What could he do?

"LOOKIE DERE!" the dwagon cried out. "BLONDE NAKEE PRINCESS!"

"Whuh?" the orc responded, stopping suddenly in his tracks and spinning around to see what the dwagon was talking about. Which of course, was a mistake.

Instantly he felt severe pain around the ankles as a very swift ankle-biter used one of its main, instinctual attacks. The dwagon wove in and out between the immense feet, nipping at the orc's ankles in such a manner so as to continually draw the orc away from the egg nest. The orc chased the dwagon, which in turn kept biting his ankles, which caused him to further chase the dwagon, which kept biting his ankles in a bizarre battle dance. This dance continued until the dwagon looked straight up and noticed something else: the Orc wasn't armored underneath from the front side either. Nothing but rough cloth separated Orc from air.

Now, it is a well known fact that dwagons have different forms of breath. Some have fire breath, which fortunately for the orc was not the case here. Some have acid breath, which was with equal fortune not the case. But in this particular case, this dwagon's breath was sufficient to meet the need.

The poor orc's eyes widened as the sensation slowly dawned upon his dull brain. For when one speaks of dwagon ice breath, mere cold is not the issue. Even snow and ice cold does not come close. In the far, distant future, a group of men called scientists will discover a substance called liquid nitrogen, which might be almost as cold as dwagon ice breath. And that breath was focused directly underneath the orc, going straight up his chainmail skirt to unprotected regions. The orc found this somewhat disquieting.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed, which provided the dwagon with no end of amusement as the orc danced around, dropping both Slasha and Crunch as his attention focused completely on things far more essential to his well-being than a couple of mere weapons. Fortunately for the orc, his dull senses had caused him to move before all areas of anatomy were totally and completely frozen, and after a few minutes both orc blood and sensation began returning to numbed regions.

In the meantime, unbeknownst to both orc and dwagon, things were happening back at the nest. One peck, then two, then a chirp, then five, then eleven as the other eggs hatched. Eleven sets of eyes peered out of shattered egg shells, taking their first look at the world. And that first look was that of an orc dancing around and howling, clutching smarting body parts, and a small dwagon dancing around the orc... which was something eleven dwagons thought was funny to no end. Quickly they climbed from the nest and joined the orc in this wunnerful dance.

After a while the orc settled down, the numbness, followed by the pins and needles sensation, subsiding to the point it didn't require the entire attention of his limited consciousness. Regaining his senses, he looked down to see not one, but twelve dwagons, of all different colors, chirping and dancing right along with him. Slowly a smile crossed his dull face.

"HAR!" the orc cried out. "GOOD ONE!" and he sat down on the ground facing the dwagons.

"OK, no egg breakfas", the orc stated wisely, considering all the eggs had now hatched. Resigned to his fate, he reached into his backpack. "I guesses I jus settle for cookies."

Suddenly twelve dwagons stopped dancing. Twelve heads snapped toward the backpack, twelve sets of eyes locked on the hapless orc, and twelve little voices chirped in unison...


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Copyright 2008 Snoots Dwagon



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