Elf Clan

AT THE THIRSTY DRAGON TAVERN...

[18:39] Eren Padar: BTW Bryster... I dun something nice last night.
[18:40] Bryster Shan: Oh ;-(
[18:40] Gavenia Edenflower: What did you do nice Eren?
[18:40] Eren Padar: Well, I was in last night.
[18:40] Eren Padar: and I thinked about how Bryster was upsetted wif me.
[18:41] Eren Padar: An I wunnered wot I could do to makes him happy.
[18:41] Bryster Shan raises an eyebrow
[18:41] Bryster Shan: Really?
[18:41] Eren Padar: So I wented an got my cookie collection-- da good one...
[18:41] Bryster Shan: Oh?
[18:41] Eren Padar: An I open eber boddle on da shelfs an I crumble a cookie inside it an close da cork back up so it taste bedder.
[18:41] Eren Padar: It taked almost eber cookie I had, but I figure it wurf it.
[18:42] Eren Padar: I thinked, "if dat make Bryster happy, dat wot to do."
[18:42] Bryster Shan: Tell me you're kidding, Eren.
[18:42] Eren Padar: Nopes.
[18:42] Gavenia Edenflower: shakes head in amazment...
[18:42] Eren Padar: Taked me loooong time.
(Bryster faints)
[18:42] Eren Padar: Awww
[18:42] Eren Padar: He so happy he fainted
[18:42] Eren Padar chirps contentedly
[18:42] Bryster Shan: Eren? It's been fine knowing you.
[18:42] Bryster Shan: Any last words?
[18:42] Eren Padar: I almost outta cookies now, but I happy to does it.
[18:42] Gavenia Edenflower: Eren .....every bottle?
[18:42] Eren Padar: yeah
[18:42] Eren Padar: Except da beers
[18:43] Eren Padar: Cos I figure cookies an beers not go good together.
[18:44] Gavenia Edenflower: Eren meant well I am sure
[18:44] Bryster Shan: I'm just going to bang my head against a wall.
[18:44] Gavenia Edenflower: oh no Bryster please don't
[18:45] Eren Padar: See, cookie settles to bottom of boddle... and flavors whole drink. :D
[18:45] Gavenia Edenflower: I am sure we can repair the drinks....
[18:45] Bryster Shan: WW was right.
[18:45] Bryster Shan: WW said Eren was a nutcase.
[18:46] Bryster Shan: You know? For a creature that has two brains......something is badly wrong.

---

See? Is pruf. I tries an tries to be good dwagon, but it neber turn out right. Dey was my bestest cookies too.

----

BRYSTER, BEER and DWAGONS   by Unique Serrao

I happened to be online last night when the following events transpired. I will offer up my investigative reporting of the events as they happened (at least what I heard and saw). I have even brought back evidence of such happenings so you can determine in your own minds what might have happened. Regardless of whether a 'liddle dwagon' is guilty of supposed crimes or not, he is innocent until proven guilty. So, let those come forward who have evidence to the contrary. Word of mouf, ah mouth.. won't suffice.. Here we go!!

[18:33] Bryster Shan: The Thisrty Dragon is Open!!
[18:33] Eren Padar: Hoo!
[18:33] Bryster Shan: or even the Thirsty Dragon
[18:33] Maralee Greenwood smiles and claps
[18:34] Eren Padar: I not knows nuthin about da empty Guiness cans.
[18:34] Zauber Exonar: lol
[18:34] Maralee Greenwood: Eren! were you thirsty BEFORE the opening !!
[18:34] Eren Padar: I not had a single drink today.
[18:34] Bryster Shan: EREN!!!!!!!!
[18:34] Eren Padar: wot?
[18:34] Koni Lanzius: hehe
[18:34] Bryster Shan: I want a word wid you!!!!
[18:34] Eren Padar blinks inocently. wots?
[18:35] Bryster Shan trips over empty beer cans
[18:35] Maralee Greenwood smiles thinking he always LOOKS innocent
[18:35] Bryster Shan: ....all wid Eren's name on dem.
[18:35] Eren Padar: Wot? Who dun dat? someone raids you ice chest?
[18:35] Maralee Greenwood blocks the door
[18:35] Eren Padar: Someone writed my name on dem???!!! I is framed!
[18:35] Koni Lanzius: hehe
[18:36] Bryster Shan: Nice drinks cabinette though.
[18:36] Eren Padar: : ) glad you likes it
[18:36] Maralee Greenwood spies a intresting marker in his hand and thinks it may match the writing on the cans
[18:36] Eren Padar: But beer cans not could have beens me. I has alibi. Tells him Koni.
[18:36] Bryster Shan: hehe
[18:36] Koni Lanzius: hahahahahaha
[18:36] Koni Lanzius: uhhhhh
[18:37] Koni Lanzius: yea he, uhh
[18:37] Eren Padar: She was wif me when I putted dem dere. I mean, when someone setted me up.
[18:37] Koni Lanzius: haha
[18:37] Bryster Shan: ROTF!
 

[18:37] Maralee Greenwood is doubled over with laughter
[18:37] Maralee Greenwood: that is NOT my marker, Eren...
[18:37] Maralee Greenwood looks at him all innocent
[18:38] Eren Padar: I will says though, dat Guiness pretty good stuff. Drinks a few of dem and don't needs dwagon gas to makes flameses.
[18:38] Eren Padar: Helps makes eyes whirly too.
[18:38] Koni Lanzius: hahahaha
[18:38] Eren Padar: (belpches)
[18:38] Bryster Shan tries to tidy up empty cans, gives up ans polishes glasses instead.
[18:38] Maralee Greenwood: ol whirly eyes said it first and right here
[18:38] Eren Padar: I tells you wot, to be total nice, I come by tonight after inn closed and I will cleans up dem cans
[18:39] Bryster Shan: Eren, yous come by heres right dis miuntes.
[18:39] Eren Padar: Koni won't lets me
[18:39] Maralee Greenwood: would you promise to make everyone laugh again then
[18:39] Koni Lanzius: no he dancin wif me
[18:40] Eren Padar: (She promised me cookies)
[18:40] Bryster Shan: THe would be the Tiny River Dance then?
[18:40] Koni Lanzius: haha
[18:40] Koni Lanzius: not exactly
[18:40] Powers Constantine: Bryster, don't let him in after you leave...We won't have anything to drink for a week at least
[18:40] Bryster Shan: Hes supposed to do it when folks sez it.
[18:40] Koni Lanzius: hahahah!
[18:40] Eren Padar: I waaaay out of reach of broom. : )
[18:41] Bryster Shan: Oh? And like how am I supposed to stop him, Your Eminence?
[18:41] Koni Lanzius: hahaha
[18:41] Koni Lanzius: lol lol
[18:41] Eren Padar: You better checks dem cans for fingersprints
 

[18:42] Bryster Shan: Still, luckily I know where I can get 3 cookies for every empty can. Pretty good price methinks.
[18:42] Eren Padar: I bet you find NO dwagon fingersprints on dem cans
[18:42] Powers Constantine: We will have to bribe Koni...she is our best and last hope
[18:42] Koni Lanzius: hahahahahahahah
[18:42] Eren Padar: 8O 3 cookies for ebery can? WHERE???
[18:42] Bryster Shan: Not telling!
[18:42] Eren Padar: Den I not picking ups.
[18:42] Koni Lanzius: what a clever barkeep!
[18:43] Bryster Shan: No I gets person to come in and picks em up for me.
[18:43] Eren Padar: 8O
[18:43] Eren Padar: but...but I like a cookie
 

[18:43] Bryster Shan sniggers like Muttley
[18:44] Bryster Shan waves to person picking up cans
[18:44] Eren Padar: Dat ok. Maybe hims give me cookies.
[18:44] Bryster Shan: I don't tink so.
[18:45] Bryster Shan: He MY bestest friend
[18:45] Eren Padar: You can smells my bref. You not smell a single beers.
[18:45] Bryster Shan muches on fresh cookies.
[18:45] Exosius Woolley: hahahaha
[18:45] Eren Padar: Not a SINGLE one!
[18:45] Bryster Shan: Not not a sinlge one.....just Ebery one!
[18:45] Eren Padar: eeps busteds
[18:46] Eren Padar: Powers maked me do it!
[18:46] Bryster Shan: ROTF
[18:46] Koni Lanzius: LOL
[18:46] Bryster Shan: Eren. Dat dog won't hunt.....as dey say in humanland
[18:46] Koni Lanzius: poor Powers!
[18:46] Eren Padar: smells powers bref. Gives him straightline test
[18:47] Eren Padar: I'll waits way ober here
[18:47] Powers Constantine: I think we might have to post no cookie rules for dwagons around here...Eren totally out of control
[18:47] Eren Padar: 8O
[18:47] Eren Padar: nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
[18:47] Koni Lanzius: hehehehe
[18:47] Eren Padar sure glad I got stocked up
[18:47] Bryster Shan: I concure.
[18:47] Bryster Shan hidea the xmas cookie jar.
[18:47] Eren Padar: Dat ok. Xmas cookies not got chips
[18:47] Eren Padar: But dey still pretty good....
[18:47] Bryster Shan: mmmmmm de very fresh wholesome cookies taste sooooooooogood!
[18:48] Eren Padar: Okies, what can I do to makes you friends again?
[18:48] Daniel Gymnast: Ewo?
[18:48] Powers Constantine: too much work for Bryster here!!!
[18:48] Eren Padar: Wot I gotta do to get cookies?
[18:48] Bryster Shan: Clean ups meeses.
[18:48] Bryster Shan: messes
[18:49] Eren Padar: I thought you said someone alreaaddy cleam up mess..hmms? (dwagon cocks one eye at barkeep and snorts)
[18:49] Bryster Shan: Someone is cleaning ups messes
[18:49] Bryster Shan: Better gets here fastest
[18:49] Eren Padar: Well den, I not needs to, so we okies. :D
[18:50] Eren Padar: Can I habs cookies now?
[18:51] Powers Constantine: I did but I did not leave mine on the floor...I always clean mine up
[18:51] Eren Padar: oopos
[18:51] UniQue Serrao: I can lay some planks down on the floor over the beer cans so Bryster don't hurt hisselfs
[18:51] Powers Constantine: LOL
[18:52] Bryster Shan: Oh no, My Lady. That wouldnever do. Da dwatted Dwagon would gets of da hooks
[18:52] UniQue Serrao: I was here last night and didn't see a thing
[18:53] Bryster Shan: I'm so sorry you have had to see it now.
[18:53] Eren Padar: Ty UniQue. I likes UniQue. : )
[18:53] UniQue Serrao: he was on the bar, ah, errr, here just being his cute little cowish self
[18:53] Eren Padar: yeah
[18:53] Bryster Shan: Hangons.
[18:53] Eren Padar: Cowish? I was a cow? Owwww maybe I *did* have one or two...
[18:53] Bryster Shan: I remeber him saying there was a big party here after I left.
[18:53] UniQue Serrao: I was sitting right over there (She points to the chair) and could plainly see everything
[18:53] Eren Padar: Uh, dere was big party. Uh... cleaning up beer cans! :D
[18:54] Bryster Shan: Doesn't look like you cleaned up cans
[18:54] Eren Padar: I not can helps it if not eberbody as neat as I is.
[18:54] UniQue Serrao: I saw pixies dancing on the tables over there (pointing in the other direction)
[18:54] Bryster Shan looks at the big bag of fresh cookies he suddenly finds himself with.
[18:54] Eren Padar: Dwagons is very neat you knows. And contientus
[18:55] UniQue Serrao: maybe it was the pixies wot dunnit
[18:55] Eren Padar pouts and makes great big sad waddery eyeses
[18:55] Bryster Shan: I knows it was yous, Eren. I saw piccy thinmgs on Ning!
[18:56] UniQue Serrao sends Eren a big bag of chocolate cookies for being soooo good
[18:57] Woxie Moxie: is the bag on fire?
[18:57] Eren Padar: Wot a Ning?
[18:57] Eren Padar: Awww tyty. Yup I a good dwagon. :D
[18:57] Eren Padar: I eben throwed da empty cans behind da bar so dey could be re-used.
[18:58] Koni Lanzius: hehe
[18:58] Eren Padar: I thinks powers can picks up cans if you needs him too.
[18:59] Eren Padar: Cos he drinked most of 'ems
[18:59] Eren Padar: I only drinked 12. Uh,... 2
[18:59] Powers Constantine: sounds like eren know how many cans are there...i knew it
[18:59] Powers Constantine: lol.lol
[18:59] Eren Padar: Dere is elebenty. I counted
[18:59] Koni Lanzius: lol
[19:00] Eren Padar: But I was a good dwagon too. I putted da left-over beer back in da keg.
[19:00] UniQue Serrao: the stuff at the bottom of your mug?
[19:00] Powers Constantine: I hope it was beer and not something else
[19:00] Eren Padar: Cos some of dem glasses was almost still half fulls. Speshully da pixie ones
[19:01] UniQue Serrao: Bryster has fainted
[19:01] UniQue Serrao: what should I do?
[19:01] Eren Padar: It okies. Keg lots more full now.
[19:02] Curious Hazelnut: a whole glass is a lot of beer for a pixie. I mean you could swim it in, it's so big.
[19:02] Eren Padar: Throws a beer on him. Dat wakes him up for sure.
[19:02] Cyall Akula: try mouth to mouth resucitation, Unique?
[19:02] Eren Padar: Yeah dat!
[19:02] Powers Constantine: no.no
[19:02] Eren Padar: Mouf hims!
[19:02] Powers Constantine: not that
[19:02] UniQue Serrao: okis, here goes nuffin'
[19:02] Cyall Akula giggles
[19:02] Powers Constantine: ohh nooo!!!
[19:02] Bryster Shan looks up at UniQue drinking can of Guiness
[19:02] UniQue Serrao: tee hee
[19:03] Koni Lanzius: LOL
[19:03] Eren Padar: I hears if you pounds him in da chest it helps too.
[19:03] Eren Padar: Needs me to come dances on his chest?
[19:03] UniQue Serrao: oh, I gots me a big hammer for dat
[19:03] Eren Padar: Okies
[19:04] Eren Padar: I hear gotta whams pretty hard
[19:04] Bryster Shan: Yes, Eren and while you're at it you can clean up DA CANS!!!
[19:04] Eren Padar: If hims eyes cross, you too low
[19:04] Powers Constantine: Poor Bryster...between Eren and UniQue
[19:04] UniQue Serrao: will the 1000 ton one works?
[19:04] Cyall Akula: haha
[19:04] UniQue Serrao: rofl
[19:04] Koni Lanzius: lol
[19:04] UniQue Serrao: hahahaha
[19:04] Bryster Shan: Oh I don't mind what Unique does. It's da Dwagon that worries me.
[19:05] Eren Padar: Oh wait UniQue. When givings mouf to mouf, watches where puts knee. Kneal on FLOOR.
[19:05] Powers Constantine: lolololol
[19:05] Bryster Shan: Oh my!
[19:05] UniQue Serrao: Oops
[19:05] UniQue Serrao: NOW you tell me!!
[19:05] UniQue Serrao: sowwie :((
[19:05] Eren Padar: Okies, sound like hims awake. Prolly only needs one more hit.
[19:05] UniQue Serrao: :((
[19:06] UniQue Serrao: he not on floor now
[19:06] UniQue Serrao: he running
[19:06] Eren Padar: Okies. Dat good
[19:06] Eren Padar: Oh him must be feeling better!
[19:06] UniQue Serrao: or....
[19:06] Bryster Shan wonders why his goin hurts.
[19:06] Bryster Shan: groin even
[19:06] Powers Constantine: How far is he running?
[19:07] UniQue Serrao yells: wotcha growin' , Bryster?
[19:07] Powers Constantine: Can you still see him?
[19:07] UniQue Serrao: far
[19:07] UniQue Serrao: very far
[19:07] UniQue Serrao: almost off the radar
[19:07] Powers Constantine: Now you two have run the best barkeep off...
[19:07] UniQue Serrao: not my fault
[19:07] Powers Constantine: We need Bryster
[19:07] UniQue Serrao: I just came to pick up cans
[19:08] Bryster Shan: Oh no worries. I'm running towards a dwatted dwagon
[19:08] Powers Constantine: he is the "Good Elf"
[19:08] Daniel Gymnast: I'm dah good foxie cubie.
[19:08] UniQue Serrao: who is 'the Good Elf"?
[19:08] Bryster Shan mutters "Gonn seehow good I am at hacking a certain dwagon into Ork fodder.
[19:09] Eren Padar: Nya nya. Can't find me. I hiding.
[19:09] UniQue Serrao: man, these beer cans are BIG
[19:10] Bryster Shan sniffs the aire for guiness scent
[19:10] UniQue Serrao: no way a dwagon could drink from one
[19:11] Eren Padar luvs being chasesd. :D
[19:11] Powers Constantine: dwagon got ways!!!!
[19:11] Eren Padar snarfs a bref mint.
[19:12] Eren Padar: grrr chat just lag died
[19:12] Bryster Shan whispers, "HE'll get home sick soon enough.
[19:12] Eren Padar snarfs a bref mint.
[19:13] UniQue Serrao: you been eating tacos again, Eren?
[19:13] Powers Constantine: major chat lag..
[19:13] Eren Padar: yeah.. tacos. Dat it.
[19:13] Bryster Shan: THen I'll grab him by the short and scalys
[19:13] Bryster Shan: Woah lag
[19:14] Eren Padar: yeah major. Gotta really growl at simple chat not owrking
[19:14] Curious Hazelnut pokes at the lag with a stick, but it doesn't move.
[19:14] Eren Padar: And when CHAT lags, you know it server issues. Sim wide
[19:14] Eren Padar: I mean grid wide
[19:14] Eren Padar: Cos I not even on da sim
[19:15] Bryster Shan: I know wot causes it!!!
[19:15] Powers Constantine: running 2 mins slow
[19:15] UniQue Serrao: beer cans on the floor?
[19:15] Bryster Shan: Too many empty guiness cans
[19:15] Bryster Shan: LOl
[19:16] Eren Padar: If I drinkde alll dem Guiness casn, I wouldt'n eben be ables to tpyes!
[19:16] UniQue Serrao: taking photos for evidence room
[19:17] Bryster Shan: Post them on Ning
[19:17] UniQue Serrao: Not a single dragon lip print on a one of dem
[19:18] Bryster Shan: Do Dwagons have lips?
[19:18] Eren Padar: Dat not matter. No dwagon lip prints.
[19:18] Cyall Akula: (or is that pwint?)
[19:19] UniQue Serrao: how else would they snarl?
[19:19] UniQue Serrao: I think so
[19:19] Bryster Shan: Don't need lips to snarl. Snarls is all teeth and gums.
[19:20] Cyall Akula: what about dwagon lip print?
[19:20] Bryster Shan: I do seem to remember Eren wearing lipstick once.
[19:21] UniQue Serrao: no, they curlz da lips den show toofs
[19:21] Bryster Shan: And they use their toofs...er...teeth to open.........CANS!
[19:22] UniQue Serrao: yes
[19:22] UniQue Serrao: no toof marks here either
[19:22] UniQue Serrao: but I do see a touch of lipstick
[19:22] UniQue Serrao: had to been pixies or sumptin'
[19:23] Bryster Shan: Fancy that!
[19:24] Eren Padar: Hihihi!
[19:23] Bryster Shan: Can Dwagons swim?
[19:24] UniQue Serrao: Guess Eren won't be getting more cookies after all.. Sowwie
[19:24] Bryster Shan: ........with large budnlde of cans around their legs?

Can someone please 'splain 'budnlde' to me. Must be a secret Elf Clan code or sumptin'

[19:24] Eren Padar: Hihihi!

[19:24] Bryster Shan: Come here ya little rodent!!
[19:24] Eren Padar: I come to clean up beer cans! :D
[19:24] Eren Padar: Just likes said woudl.
[19:25] Eren Padar: Let's go find 'ejm
[19:25] Eren Padar: Hey!
[19:25] Eren Padar: Dere no beer cans here!
[19:25] Eren Padar: Wot you been drinkins?
[19:25] Bryster Shan: Well it took your long enough!!
[19:25] Eren Padar: I just wented to cleans up beer cans... and NO CANS!!!
[19:26] Eren Padar: Boooyyyyyyy I oughta....
[19:26] Powers Constantine: LOLOLOLOl
[19:26] Eren Padar: Bryster drawed sword and threatenings me! Run away run away!
[19:26] Eren Padar eeps
[19:26] Koni Lanzius: Ahahaha! XD
[19:26] Eren Padar: run away run away
[19:27] Eren Padar sucks energy from my Guiness... uh.. milk hat
[19:28] Powers Constantine: I very good with sword Bryster if you need help
[19:28] Bryster Shan: Good. You can teach me how to scewer Dwagon, My Lord
[19:29] Eren Padar: Powers! Saves me! I been framed!
[19:29] Powers Constantine: lolololol
[19:27] UniQue Serrao: oh, he's a good cleaner upper
[19:27] UniQue Serrao: good Dwagon!!
[19:27] Eren Padar: Can I habs cookies now? :D
[19:29] Eren Padar: awww Bryster gived me cookie. :D
 

[19:30] Bryster Shan: Careful..that might be the one I coverd in Ork dwopping
[19:30] Powers Constantine: lolololol
[19:30] Bryster Shan: Oh yes!! Look it has black bits on it.
[19:28] UniQue Serrao: elebenty x 8 cookies, Bryster
[19:28] UniQue Serrao: he cleaned up
[19:28] UniQue Serrao: your other guy never showed.
[19:29] Bryster Shan: I gave him one to be going on with.
[19:30] Bryster Shan: Oh yes!! Look it has black bits on it.
[19:34] Eren Padar: Oh Bryster! Look ober dere! a rat by da bar! (/me nabs cookie)
[19:35] Koni Lanzius: ahhh
[19:35] UniQue Serrao: Eren?
[19:35] Eren Padar: yesh?
[19:35] UniQue Serrao: you missed a few cans over behind the table
[19:35] Eren Padar: Dem not mines
[19:35] UniQue Serrao: give back the cookie
[19:35] Koni Lanzius: Ahahaha! XD
[19:35] Eren Padar: Nuuuuuuu!
[19:35] Eren Padar: mine mine MINE MiNe mInE mineminemine MINE!
[19:36] Koni Lanzius: hehe
[19:36] Bryster Shan: Good grief
[19:36] Eren Padar: I bet dems cans got LIPS STICKS!

Note: See second photo

[19:36] Koni Lanzius: Ahahaha! XD
[19:36] Eren Padar: Probably Brysters
[19:36] Koni Lanzius: Ahahaha! XD
[19:36] Bryster Shan: Uh?
[19:36] Eren Padar: Bryster, can I has a rums?
[19:36] Bryster Shan: Maybers
[19:37] Eren Padar: 8D
[19:37] Eren Padar perks!
[19:37] UniQue Serrao: Rum and cookies?
[19:37] UniQue Serrao: Ewwwwww
[19:37] Koni Lanzius: eww
[19:37] Koni Lanzius: Ahahaha! XD
[19:35] Bryster Shan: grrr.
[19:38] Eren Padar: Powersssss!! Bryster gived me a rums! I not responsible for wot happen next.
[19:38] Powers Constantine: BRYSTER!!!!! What is going on there?
[19:39] Eren Padar: mmmmmm rums....
[19:39] UniQue Serrao: Uh oh!
[19:39] UniQue Serrao: Eren drinking rum and eating cookies again
[19:39] Eren Padar: lap lap lap lap
[19:39] Eren Padar: Bryster no skinflint for sure. Is GREAT cookie!
[19:39] Eren Padar: I be eating on dis for next 3 days.
[19:39] Eren Padar: Or 30 minutes, whicheber come first.
[19:40] Bryster Shan: I'm lulling him into a false sense of security.
[19:40] Eren Padar liddle eyes whirls. Dem rum pretty good stuff

Unfortunately I had to leave at this point. No telling what 'might' have ocurred after that. But until the next adventure..

May the wind always be at your back and the sunlight dance on your face!

The Monty Python 16-Disc DVD Set

-- A dwagon's review

I recently purchased the entire Monty Python 16-Disc set. Here is my review of that product:

While the contents of this package are quite good and bits of it even moderately funny, I was especially entranced by the fine packaging, which although likely created by marketers and not the performers themselves, still contains quite a bit of humor and imagination. I especially enjoyed the "bright green sticker which covered otherwise informative and humorous parts of the original box". My only regret is that the sticker was quite firmly sealed to the cellophane and could not be removed. This prevented re-usage in imaginative ways. Perhaps the solution to this would have been to include additional stickers within the box itself, containing such phrases as "Please do not touch this sticker" or "I'm not really dead, I'm pining for the fjords".

I suspect I'm expected to say something about the DVDs themselves, regarding their quality, enjoyability, etc. Very well. The DVDs are somewhat roundish and thin, made of a respectable quality plastic, and do quite well as mirrors in cases of such need. They are each individually encased in equally fine plastic boxes, which can serve as coasters while you are watching the tellies. I'm not sure what the plot is about, as the individual segments tend to be somewhat confusing and rather silly. But aside from that, an excellent product overall, especially when purchased at half price.

My biggest disappointment is that in all sixteen discs containing far more hours of television than anyone should really have time to watch, I never did see that Monty Python chap. Must have been the director or producer or writer or other such nonsense. Camera-phobic I would guess. You'd think the bloke could have at least taken a bow once in a while.

No matter. Despite this oversight, I think the set well worth the purchase price and once watched, contains sufficient mass to be a perfectly good paperweight or doorstop, insuring its continued value over time. Plus, one can always re-read the box and enjoy continued chuckles until dying of something dreadful.

--o--

Orignally published May 17, 2010

ARE YOU A DWAGON?

Some people are Dwagons and don't realize it yet. Take this simple survey to determine whether or not you are a Dwagon:

1. A Dwagon is:
A. baby dragon
B. hotrod car
C. full diaper

2. Dwagon favorite food is:
A. Cookies
B. Brocolli
C. Flat Fwoggies
D. Beets
E. Cookies
F. Pizza
G. Cookies

3. Proper Dwagon grammar:
A. Thank you, I would enjoy some tea and biscuits. What a lovely home you have.
B. Hey dude, hand me another brewski.
C. I heard dere was gonna be pie. Is dere pie? I just wuvs pie.

4. Correct Dwagon response to drama or harassment:
A. Report the offender to the authorities and "turn the other cheek".
B. Shoot the offender with a Teddybear bazooka.
C. Poot fire on the offender.
D. BITE! BITE! BITE!

5. Dwagon's favorite game:
A. Pirates
B. Star Trek
C. Ork Invasion
D. Riding anything that makes you dizzy
E. All of the above and quite a bit more

6. Dwagons love:
A. Space ships
B. Harmless but great big noisy guns and bombs
C. Laughing insanely
D. Teasing Orcs
E. Jumping off high places into liddle biddy pools of water
F. Hiding in leaves and jumping out at passerby
G. Racing Riding Slugs
H. Go Karts
I. Chocolate
J. Sorry, we've run out of space for this question

7. Dwagon view of the land where anyone resides:
A. It probly very pwetty.
B. Wow, shineys!
C. We gonna take over... right after milk 'n cookies.

ANSWERS:
1. A. Dwagons are recent hatches unfortunately left to survive on their own. We say unfortunate not for them... but for any soul who tries to cause them problems. Cos everbody knows dwagons not afraid o' nuthin.
2. If you guessed B or D, bend over. We gonna smack you in da brain. Regarding C, yes...
Dwagons do love flat fwoggies. Let's just say it's an acquired taste.
3. C. While A and B are potentially possible in specific situations, eberbody knows dwagons cannot resist pie. Dat just how it is.
4. All but choice A. About the only cheek a Dwagon turns is in preparation for option C.
5. E. That was a "gimme" question in case you missed 2.
6. If we'd have continued, we'd have run out of alphabet letters too. Then we would have had to switch to numbers. And theoretically we might have run out of those...
7. C. Be afwaid. Be vewy afwaid.

GENERAL DWAGON GRAMMAR:
While some people mistakenly believe Dwagons speak in baby-talk, this is an incorrect assumption. Dwagons have their own language which they formed just because, in their opinion, everyone else talks too serious. The best way to learn Dwagon grammar is just to listen to them chat. Following is an exerpt quoted directly from a Dwagon. Non-stop...

Hi dere. I a Dwagon. What is you? Oh, I likes dose kinda critters.

How is I doin? I a Dwagon! Dwagons always do GREAT! I just been playin Star Trek. Zap Zap! It fun. I gotta phaser an a tricorder an a combadge an a ship an another ship an a space shuttle an dat about it.

Wanna bite o' Flat Fwoggy? Dis one pretty good. I finded it several weeks ago on da road. It amazin no one pick it up yet! So I lucky. It pretty flat. I chew on most of it but I left dat leg dere in case someone else wanted a bite. I share wif you if you hungry.

Gotta cookie? I just luvs cookies. I luvs pizza too. It pretty good. Not as good as cookies, cos dey just nahm nahm nahm. But pizza rawks. Speshully if it got some flat fwoggie on it.

I once swimmed in Kool Aid. Dat was fun.

Hey, you seen my horsey? I gotta horsey. He pretty nice. He not bite or nuthin. He not as fast as my car though. Vroom vroom! It really fast. Unless it hits da sim edge. Den it gets pretty slow.

What you think of Elves? Dey funny. Not as funny as Orcs though. I luvs Orcs. Orcs chases us for no reason except we divebombs 'em. Dat pretty kewl. Dey yell an hollar and runs after us but dey neber catches us cos Dwagons pretty fast.

I a smart Dwagon! Go ahead ask me a question. Huh? Ok asks me another question cos I not knows dat one. Wanna bite o' cookie? I just found one right dere on da sidewalk. I shares.

---

COMMENTS

Comment by Cinnamon Raymaker on May 17, 2010
    hahah, ty, ty, ty ! I likes dis stuff. /me laughs lotses! BTW I a dwagon ;P is officials!

Comment by Bryster Shan on May 17, 2010

    Are you a Dwagon?
    1) Do you rezz rats on bartops? - if answer is yes, you is a Dwagon.
    2) Do you put dead rats in rum barrels? - if answer is yes, you are a Dwagon.
    3) Do you torture, pester, annoy, disturb, harrass, prod, trip-up, wind-up, or other-wise generally drive the Innkeeper crazy ? - if answer is yes, you are a Dwagon.

Comment by Oona Sharple on May 17, 2010

    Oh..But ya gots it all wrong,Bry..Da Dwagons helpin out,see :) Dey makes good biz fer Bry :D

    Oh and Eren,Oona knows Dwagons,yes:) Oona has fishies in pocketies fer Dwagons..If Oona wishes it a sardine,den it a sardine :D

    Oona has everythin in pocketies heeeee And a grammar book ;)

Comment by Moontan Valeeva on May 17, 2010

    Definitely not a dwagon..I sympathise with the fwoggies even when they are flat ..
    And Bryster, dwagons are a force of nature, endure them ....

Comment by Snoots Dwagon on May 17, 2010

    ADVERTISEMENT:

    Is you place infested wif ratses? Is dey all ober da counters an in mugs an beer an stuff?

    Call da RATBUSTERS!

    We is dwagons speshul trained to handles rodent infestations. For only some cookies (more dan three) and maybe some rums if you happens to be a tavern owner-- we will removes all rats prollums (except pet ones of course) an make you place nice an ratless.

    OUR GUARANTEE: Once rats gone, they not returns for at least two weeks! Whole two weeks rat-free prollums. Is good deal!

    Calls Ratbusters today! You not regrets it!

Comment by Kylinn Leimes on May 17, 2010

    Ferrets be good ratbusters too. They my cousins. They very nice peoples. Especially if you dun cares who haz your socks. We needs more ferrets in Elf Clan!

Comment by Hecatya Idimmu on May 22, 2010

    Eren, from what i read i think i could not be a dwagon...I do not have all the conditions, but maybe a dragon? Could you please tell Heacatya is there a big difference between a dragon and a dwagon?

Comment by Wayfinder Wishbringer on July 12, 2010

    Hecatya, there are major differences between dragons and dwagons.
    Dragons don't sit on the bartops.
    Dragons don't sit on fan blades and go round and round.
    Dragons don't swipe cookies when you're not looking.
    Dragons don't play Star Trek. Usually.
    Dragons tolerate dwagons. That's about it.
    Dragons eat a whole lot more. Well... wait a minute... that may not be exactly right...

Comment by Oona Sharple on July 12, 2010 at 9:50am

    Dwagons has like 3 tummies..
    Dwagons do da dishes wif deyr tongue...
    Dwagons gets stuck in pillowcase..
    Dwagons shares wut dey already takes a bite of...

    Oona can comes up wif more ;)

HOW TO MAKE A DOOR-- the Dwagon Way

in virtual worlds

How do you make a door in virtual worlds?  It's not as easy as some may think.  So following is step-by-step guide of how to add a door to your virtual home.

 
You will need several things:
* Doorknob
* Virtual door (any style)
* A building to link it to
* A scientific calculator
 

Here are the steps involved:
* Rez the house

* Place the virtual door in the proper position.

* Rez the doorknob and put into place

* Add a door script to your door... you know, the one your friend gave you that looks like it was written by a drunk math student.

* Link the door to the house.

* Link the doorknob to the door.

* Realize the door became unlinked when you linked the doorknob.

* Select doorknob, door and house and link all three.

* Suddenly realize everything in your build became unlinked all at once.

* Zoom back, drag-select your entire build and re-link it

* Discover that in selecting the home you also selected all the trees, bushes, rocks, sidewalks, automobiles and sundry items surrounding it, including your neighbor's house as well.

* De-select everything, carefully select the door and all the parts of the house, one by one, and link them back together.

* Realize on testing that you accidentally linked the door last and now when you touch the door the entire house rotates.

* UNLINK the door, re-select it, select the house last, re-link everything.

* Test door. It opens. Unfortunately instead of opening 90 degrees it rotates 180 degrees and gets lost in the wall.

* Do some tricky camera work to locate the now-invisible door, pull it out of the wall, place it back in proper position.

* Use scientific calculator to determine eular-to-radian-to-quaternion-to whatever conversions to get proper rotation.

* Mod the script to the best of your ability so the door opens only 90 degrees.

* Save the script and test the door.

* Notice it now rotates upwards instead of sideways.

* Manually position door back in place, go over the script again, realize you accidentally changed the Y axis instead of the Z axis, try to remember the prior settings, re-set the parameters, save script.

* Touch door. To your delight find it works perfectly. However, doorknob stays right where it is, floating in the middle of the doorway.

* Discard separate doorknob idea and use Gimp to add a doorknob representation to the door texture.

* Test door. It works. Congratulate yourself.

Total time to make simple door that opens and closes: 2.5 hours.

Satisfaction in a job well-done: Considerable... until time to add the back door.

Note: prepare to grit our teeth every time a friend points out that you did your doors the hard way.

ALTERNATIVE PROCESS:

* Unlink the door and turn it phantom.

=====

Bryster Shan, Snoots Dwagon and One Elefuntay

(right click for larger photo)

TINIES for BIGGIES
You ever wonder what a tiny is?  What about a Dinkie or a Wee?  Here's what.

TECHNICAL DEFINITION
Tiny, Dinkie, Wee and Teenies are terms used for small avatars in virtual worlds, usually thigh-high or smaller.

Tinies were originally invented by Wynx Whiplash and Kage Seraph. Since that time, many other creators have emerged on the scene. 

Tinies are made from distorting normal avatars (bending arms and legs at 180 degrees, folding the body upon itself) and covering the result with prims.

A typical concept of tinies is "cute overload"... the cuter, the better.  Their primary disadvantage is that because of their special shape and size they can't use most normal animations and furniture.  The fix:  there is a ton of tiny-specific items created by tiny builders and merchants. Several tons.

Dinkies came later when creator Etheria Parrott figured out a way to mesh-shrink bodies smaller than normal.  In general Dinkies are a bit smaller than Tinies.  The advantage of Dinkies is that they can use most animations and furniture intended for full-size avatars, items that tinies can't use.  The downside is they aren't compatible with the huge available assortment of tiny-animated gear.  These days many items are being created to automatically adapt to tinies and dinkies both.

Wees refers to all classifications of tiny avatars, including Tinies, Dinkies, Dwagons, Ferrets, Mechs, Bladencats and other genres of small avs.  Wees as a term was created on the (now defunct) Inworldz platform, since Tinies as a term generally refers to the Wynx-concept "distorted and bent" version of small avatars.  Wees include everything small.  But the term Tinies has been long used to refer to all small avatars, no matter how they are formed, so the terms are largely interchangable.  Wynx is very generous about letting the term "tinies" be widely adopted to include all smalls.  ("Who you callin' small?  Someone lookin' for a anklebite!")

Teenies and Micros refers to very small avatars such as pixies, mice and other avatars that are so very small they can be difficult to see without zooming in on them.

 
TYPES OF TINIES

There are many different kinds of tinies. While tinies usually have fur or scales and are typically animal in nature, there are other forms such as fantasy creatures (dwagons, orkies, hatchies, elementals and more) as well as sci-fi tinies (mechs, blobs, whatever various form). There are even tiny ROCK avatars.

Some avatars are available in multiple types.  For example, Dwagons started out as Tinies, but then an officially-licensed Dinkie version was produced.  Both versions of Dwagon are still available.

Tines can range from baby animals (hippos, dragons, rhinos and other creatures that when full grown are definitely not tiny) to full grown critters (rabbits, mice, rats, possums, dogs, cats, ferrets, porcupines and more). You name it... there's probably a related "tiny".

WYNX TINIES are the originals.  Kudos to Wynx Whiplash and Kage Seraph for creating an entire genre!  Tinies are widely available on Second Life and some other grids in a large variety of species.

DWAGONS were created by Snoots Dwagon.  Baby dragons, immortal and nearly impervious to physical damage (and thus fearless), Dwagons play in fire, ignore weather and temperature, and love cookies.  You can read a few Dwagon stories here on this blogsite (all of them are "true stories").  A Dwagon MegaHUD is available that performs all kinds of gestures and sounds and allows changing of textures and colors automatically.  Dwagons are available on Second Life at Cathedral Market, Tiny Inc., or by contacting Eren Padar.  Dwagons are also available on Kitely grid and Kitely Market under the creator name Snoots Dwagon. 

DINKIES (discussed prior) are a new breed created by Etheria Parrott.  Dinkies are tiny-size but move like biggies; they don't require body distortion. 

TEENIES are even smaller than tinies or dinkies and are often used for pixie and faerie avatars.  Although they're small, Teenies are usually not really "tinies" in nature... but can be if the user so desires.  Teenies tend to not have the tiny "attitude"... unless of course they have pixie attitude, which challenges tinies on the unpredictable scale.  (Note: not all pixies are teenies; some are simply normal avatars reduced to smallest possible size. Teenies are usually about 1 to 1.5 ft tall.)

WHY TINIES?
Look at the world around us. Consider the crime, violence, wars, bigotry, injustice, sickness, old age, death and numerous other problems. Then consider a world in which everyone is friendly, ageless, happy and on the perpetual prowl for food and fun. There are no "grown ups". Drama and attitude simply have no place-- and being nutz is a good thing. That's "why tinies". :)

Not that tinies don't have attitude. BOY do they have attitude. But it's the fun kind. Tinies are perfect, you know, in every way. And they're smarter than biggies. LOTS smarter. Why? Well for one thing, Tinies don't destroy the planet on which they live.

One thing I like about tinies: they tend to forgive and forget. Even when someone gets out of sorts (which happens with everyone time to time), soon it's just one big fambly again. That is just so very nice. Wishes everbody was tinies.
 
TINIES AND CLOTHING
It is totally ok for a tiny to go "nakee". Tinies sometimes "streak" biggie places with no one realizing they're doing so. It is not unusual to see a tiny at a party squeek out "I nakee!"-- and someone else respond "Me too!".
 
But most tinies prefer to wear clothing. Wearing any clothing at all means a tiny is not "nakee". If a tiny is wearing a hat, a tie, shoes or gloves (even if one glove)... they are not "nakee". Can't be nakee if wearing clothes, right?

Some tinies go all out, wearing all manner of clothing and even hair, eyelashes, lipstick and bling. It's totally according to the taste of the user. All types of clothing are acceptable.
 
TINIES LUV FOOD
You get tinies chatting for very long at all (more than one minute, often less), and soon food will be mentioned.

WAFFLES top the list. No one knows why it is that tinies glommed on to waffles, but they is nahm nahm nahm.

COOKIES come in a close second, just above pie, ice cream and cake. Actually, some tinies like pie better than cookies, but it's hard to carry pie in pockets.

Then comes pancakes, french toast, pizza, lasagna... and just food in general.

Oddly enough, while it would seem tinies would just love candy... candy doesn't make for round tiny tummies. The one exception of course, is CHOCOLATE. To a tiny, chocolate is like the holy grail. The sight of it puts them in temporary "deer in the headlights" stupor as they contemplate how great and wunnerful chocolate is. In truth, chocolate rates even above waffles, but again, it doesn't make for full tiny tummies. It's a treat, tinies know it, and they prefer to indulge in private when no one is watching... mainly because pulling out chocolate in public is a guaranteed instant fur-pile.

PLAYING IN FOOD
If it's a chocolate fountain, all bets are off and diving head-first is totally acceptable behavior. Hot chocolate is warm on da hiney butt and sitting on a chocolate cake, while not exactly appropriate behavior, is totally understandable. Same goes for warm pizza, hot brownies from the oven and freshly baked pie. Sitting before eating is totally normal. (After all, tinies is very clean). Besides, it often assures that biggies will gives us da WHOLE pie for ourselves. 

It is rumored this practice of "food sitting" was started by Dwagons, but they claim there is no proof of this.  Photos can be edited and so do not provide absolute proof.  Hineybutt prints are not traceable.
 
TINY TALK and DWAGON SPEAK
Many people are of the impression that tinies talk "baby talk"... a misconception. In truth, tinies make effort to not talk in baby speech. Many tinies speak in totally normal grammar. Other tinies speak in "tiny talk" or "dwagon speak".

Tiny talk and dwagon speak are closely related and over time have largely intermixed (tinies tend to imitate one another). Tiny talk minimalizes words and grammar. Dwagon speak uses similar choppped english but often replaces "th" with "d" ("da" instead of "the" and "dere" instead of "there"), tends to add "s" to the ends of wordses, has a flavor of "Chicago neighborhood" in sound, and an underlying current of intelligent insanity.  Dwagons almost always speaks in dwagon speak; it part of da assumed persona and attitudes.

An example of typical tiny/dwagon speech:

Hey, you goin to da party?
Yup yup yup. It look like fun.
I not be dere. I gotta works. (cwies)
Awwwww...
Awwwww...
Awwwww...
I hear dere is gonna be pie. Is dere pie? I just LUVS pie!
Dere pie. I checked. I eated one.
You eated a pie? How many you leaved?
Elebenty.
Oh, dat lots den.
Yesh.
Dey gots cookies?
No cookies.
Nuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!
I kidding. Dere cookies.
Whew. I thinked someone was NUTZ!

Actual tiny talk is an art form that improves with use.  One does not have to speak in tiny talk at all; it's totally a personal choice.

Dwagons claim dwagon speak is a far superior language, and that humans do not speak Dwagon because they don't have two brains like Dwagons do.
 
GESTURES AND SOUNDS
A typical conversation between tinies includes not only their chopped speech, but also sounds, gestures and animations. Following are examples.

Weeeeeee! (tiny jumps and does a backflip. An expression of fun or excitement.)
Nahm nahm nahm (an expression of something very tasty)
Hoooooo! (yet again a backflip. An expression of great approval or joy.)
Nuuuuuu! (Cry of regret / escape. Reserved for terrbul things.)
Eeeps! (Shock or fear.)
Jazz paws (applauding for good music)
Mwaahahahaa (insane laughter.)
Laughs lotses (tiny lays on back flapping legs and arms in uncontrollable laughter)

At times Tinies have been seen holding entire conversations in multitudinous gestures.  Yes, it's actually possible.  There are sooo many Tiny gestures and sounds.

TINIES AND SEX
We not gonna discuss dis. Where da cookies?

In truth, tinies think biggies are kind of goofy when it comes to sexual preoccupation. Sex is for making more tinies, and eberbody knows you can make more tinies just by eating chocolate. Is a fact. Take out a bar of chocolate... suddenly dere is lots more tinies!

If a tiny wants to get up on a table and dance nakee... chances are other tinies will join in and so what?

Biggies so proud of two "boobies". Tinies often have six or eight. What da big deal? Silly biggies.

WHAT TINIES LOVE TO DO
It would be easier to point out what tinies DON'T like to do. But here are a few things:

* Drive cars insanely. Vroom vroom.
* Play Pirates. With ships. An cannons. An rums. (or milk, whicheber).
* Fly spaceships. Play astronaut. Play Star Trek. Play Star Wars. You get the idea.
* Sit on anything... especially if it is moving or rotating. (Fan blades are a special favorite).
Note: while fan blades would be potentially dangerous to most people, tinies apparently come with some kind of natural butt glue that attaches to fan blades no matter how fast they turn. So for a tiny... the faster the better.
* Riverdance. Boy, do tinies riverdance. Usually reserved for the end of major events as massive applause.
* Party. Tinies party. The only rule is "there has to be a good reason". "Hey, anyone wanna come dance? Dere waffles!" is considered a good reason. Standing around in a circle for more than 5 minutes is often considered a party... and quite often turns into one.
* Throw pies and toilet paper rolls. Yes, this does happen from time to time. The great thing about pies of course, is the clean-up afterward.
* Ski, race, joust, surf, parachute, play "thoccer", shoot bows and arrows, broadjump... you name it, if it conceivably might be fun, tinies will jump right in with all four paws and claws.

... and much more that would greatly extend the length of this article (and significantly reduce the lifespan of the average human). Tinies have almost limitless energy and a perpetual case of "Oh... dat sound like fun!"

This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to tinies. The only way to truly understand tinies is to visit tiny areas like Raglan Shire on Second Life, Rascal Flats on DigiWorldz, or Weelandia on DigiWorldz... and see for yourself.  Pick up a tiny avatar  (one of the free avatars or choose from the multitude of those for sale). It's much more fun that way.

TINY POWER!!!

(riverdances...)


-----------
You can easily locate tinies at these locations (in alphabetical order):

Dinkies at Tiny Inc., RaglanShire, Second Life (the creator of Dinkies)

Dwagons at DragonForge on Cathedral and Weelandia, Second Life

Grendel's Children at Second Life

Rascal Flats or Weelandia at Digiworldz

Wynx Tinies at Extrovirtual on Raglan Shire, Second Life (the original creator of Tinies and the ones that started this snowball)

--o--
 

Once in a while I visits Raglan Shire on SL because dey haz fun events (Raglan Shire is of course the center for Tiny activity in VR).  Dey had da GREAT KRAKEN HUNT.  There were Krakens (big squid things) flying at 150m in air and attacks you if you up dere wif 'ems.  If dey get you, you dies.  Fortunately you can uses all kinda weapons against dems. 

This weekend's hunt covered two days, each day 3 parts:

    1. Pirate pistols.  Single shot at a time.  Wear you fingers out.

    2. Automatic weapons. 

    3. Anything you got in you arsenal.

In addition to Kraken Hunters dere is da protestors, standing down on da ground.  Da first day I was a protestor.  Here a photo:

End Kraken Oppreshun

Da second day I decided dere only so much can do walking around wif sign wifout getting bored... so I decided to become Mighty Kraken Hunter.  Da Krakens had bited me a couple times da day before, so I figure dey haz it coming. 

Da Mighty Kraken Hunter

Yes, is Breech Uzis wif clips, silencers and dual-scopes.  Dwagons not mess around.

The first round wif da pirate pistol I scored 3rd place.  I pretty good but dem Tinies... dey rock when it come to Kraken hunting.   Still, 3rd place not bad considering I not Kraken hunted in years.

Second round was wif my favorite weapons above.  Dey packs a whallop and I scored 2nd place wif dems.

The third round I pulled out something with a little more kick...

HappyCat Gun

The above is the famed HappyCat Mini Chaingun.  It is one of the most fear-inspiring weapons on any grid.  It shoots streams of grinning-cat cubes that are super-physic to da gills.   Dere nothing wimpy about da HappyCat Gun.   Krakens started falling right and left.  End score:  me 180 points and 1st place... wif 2nd place coming in at 79.  Yeah... krakens was dropping like flies.

Unfortunately, HappyCat guns not too discerning about whether dey take out Krakens or innocent bystanders.  In order for contest to be fair, "health" was on and Krakens could kills us just like we could kills dem.  But den, so could falling HappyCat ammo and dead Krakens-- which I did nots realize until I later read comments in group chat:

"I just died and I'm standing on the beach."

"I just got killed by falling Krakens."

"It is the way of pirates that you get to keep whatever you kill.  That bein' the case... someone gets to keep me."

Yes, dat HappyCat gun rained down destruction da likes of which never seen in Kraken Land.  When I went back down to da ground and found I had actually won dat round... I also found some of the beach crowd onlookers had erected domes to protect them from HappyCat ammo and falling squids.*

Afterward we had BBQ calimari.  Now dat what I call a fun event.  Gotta luvs Raglan Shire.  :D

--Snoots

*PS-- I just hopes I not killed any fellow hunters; it hard to tell wif all dat ammo flying eberwhere.  Nobody shouted I was shooting dems, so hopefully nots.  If I kill any hunters I apologizes; I not used to Kraken hunting... and tinies can go nutz in excitement of game.  Next time I be really careful to watch where I shootings; I not even thinked about hitting other hunters until after da battle.   Dem Krakens was bad enough.  Boy dey nastee. 

Someone suggested since I had "protested" da day before maybe I was after hunters and Krakens just got in da way (snickers).   Dat not true of course, but I mighta accidentally knocked off one or two hunters wifout meaning to.  eeps.  Was lotsa different ammos eberwhere from eberone.  Not saw any tiny graves later though, so maybe not.  Or maybe they thought Krakens got 'em.  Who knows... some other hunters mighta knocked off ME!  :D 

--o--

FOOTSBRAWL: ORKS vs PIXIES & DWAGONS

Is true story.

The day was bright and crisp, with just enough chill to make the fans wear cloaks and the players comfy.  There was a sense of expectation and wonder in the air as the time drew closer for the beginning of the event everyone had been waiting for:  the first ever Orks vs Dwagons & Pixies Footsbrawl game.

If one were to look into the bleachers you would have seen a diverse and enthusiastic crowd.  Although there were probably less than 400 people present their forms were as varied as their costume.  There were of course the high elven, accompanied by faerie, centaur, dwarves,  drow, the occasional hobbit, dragons, humans, and of course the Ork fans.

On the field there were only four races:  Orks, Dwagons, Pixies and the Dwarven referees.  The surprising difference in size between the players would bring a chuckle.  The Orks averaged from 6 to 9 feet tall, ranging from a low of around 250 lbs to the well over 600 lbs of the Ork Big Boss.  Their jerseys differed as much as the size of the Orks, representing several Ork Clans.  Red, green, yellow, blue... what they lacked in harmony they made up for in flash.  For Orks, they were uncharacteristically devoid of spikes and blades.  It's not that they didn't show up with such sticking out all over; it's simply that the referees immediately declared lethal armor unnecessary and illegal for a game of Footsbrawl and being Dwarven, set to work making the Ork uniforms significantly less dangerous (accompanied by much groaning and complaining by the Orks).

On the other side stood their opponents.  The Pixies topped out at 40 lbs if they were wearing steel armor.   Which they were of course; one does not play Footsbrawl against Orks and come totally unprepared.  The Pixies' main defense though was not their magically-hardened armor, but the hardened determination and attitude that is a hallmark of their species.

The Dwagons needed no such armor.  Averaging 80 lbs they equated to walking sacks of stone with diamond-hard scales.  It was well known that Dwagons are nearly impervious physically, are well aware of that fact and therefore fearless.

The Dwagons were sitting near the scrimmage line munching cookies, which came as a surprise to no one.  The Pixies were chewing on flower petals to increase their strength for the game that was about to begin.  The Orks were busy bashing one another soundly about the head and arms in preparation for what was to come.  

What was to come, in the minds of the Orks, was Dwagons and Pixies being kicked unceremoniously to the sidelines while the Orks made goal after goal.  That was the plan.
 
 
THE GAME BEGINS
There was a sudden roar in the stands as the announcer declared the game had officially started.  The referee called the players to the line of scrimmage and asked the Orks to call the toss.  A rather large Ork stepped forward, shouted "TAILS!" and ignoring both referee and coin, picked up a Dwagon and threw it up in the air. A gleeful cry of "Wheeeeeeeee!" carried across the field.  The Dwagon landed on its head and stayed there upside down, blinking, waiting for the official call.    

"TAILS!" The referee called out, much to the groaning of the crowd.  The Orks had the first ball.  

The opposing teams lined up on the scrimmage, the Orks hunched in proper offensive formation (since they had no concept nor perceived need of defense).  The Pixies were equally determined and in formation, facing their huge opponents with the stubbornness known of their kind.  The Dwagons were sitting around at random points, some looking at the flowers the Pixies had left and finishing off the last of their cookies, wondering what was going to happen next.

The ball was snapped... and so were both Pixies and Dwagons.  As would be expected the Orks plowed through their ranks like buffalo through bunny rabbits.  The Pixies disappeared in a cloud of dust and Dwagons went flying in several directions.  Groans of surprise and concern rose from the crowd.    Dwarves cried out in anger, cursing the fact that they were referees and thus weren't on the scrimmage line.  The expressions on the face of the Elven typically did not change, although one of them did let out a slight gasp at the apparent carnage.

A horn blew as the Orks made a touchdown, obviously the first of several to come.  Of no surprise to anyone, no Orks were back on the scrimmage line; all of them had run forward at once and were now at the goal post dancing in celebration of their expected first goal.  They'd mowed over the entire line of Pixies and Dwagons as if they were dandelions.  The devastation behind them was ghastly to see.  Pixies lay crumpled, faces in the dirt and hineys in the air.  Dwagons were scattered like bowling pins in all variety of positions.  In the stands women fainted and strong men wept.

A whistle was blown as referees, healers and wizards rushed onto the field to see if any of the non-Ork team could be saved.  But before they could reach the players the Pixies climbed to their feet and dusted themselves off, followed by the Dwagons righting themselves and shaking their little heads to clear the grass out of their ear fins.

"HOOOO!   AGAIN!!!" a Dwagon cried out, followed by a collective sigh of relief from the crowd.  The Pixies faced their audience and raised their fists in an unexpected show of defiance to the Orks. The crowd erupted in a roar, cheering and applauding as people jumped to their feet.  The Pixies, protected by both armor and magic, were not going to be defeated so easily.  As for the Dwagons... well, they thought getting stomped by Orks was just part of the fun.

 
EDUCATING THE TEAM
It occurred to the referees that apparently the Dwagons had no idea what was going on.  They called a time out, called the team to the sidelines... and carefully explained to the Dwagons the purpose and goal of Footsbrawl.  The Dwagons listened, their whirling eyes growing bright as they were informed this was a game and the object of that game was to keep the Orks from running over the Pixies.  Their eyes grew a little brighter still when they heard they could make points by helping the pixies get the little ball between the big posts at the end of the field... and their eyes positively glowed when they were told that if they won the game there would be cookies!

The Dwagons quickly huddled together, their muted whispers in the oddling Dwagon language carrying across the field.  One of the Dwagons went to speak to the Pixies... pointing to the bright-pink armored helmets they wore.  With a flash of magic several extra helmets appeared, and soon all the Dwagons were proudly sporting their new "hats".  The audience cheered in appreciation.  The game was ON.

 
FIELD GOAL
The referees called for a possible field goal and the two teams lined up.  Someone should have seen coming what happened next, but sadly no one did, not even the refs.  A large Ork picked up a Dwagon, held it out and drop-kicked it heavily toward the goal post.  

"Wheeeeeee..."  the Dwagon echoed across the field, followed by a collective moan from the crowd as it passed through the goal posts.   The Orks in the stands jumped to their feet and stomped appreciatively as the refs declared success of the field goal.  The score was 2 to 0, favor of the Orks, one point for the touchdown, one point for the kick. 

There was a bit of confusion as the remaining Dwagons rushed to the Orks, all begging to be punted through the field goal. The referees restored order, explaining to the Dwagons they'd have to wait their turns for later in the game.  The second scrimmage was about to begin.

THE BALL IS SNAPPED
The teams lined up facing one another, this time a slightly different scene.  The Orks didn't even bother to get in their defensive positions;  they stood fully erect (or as erect as an Ork can get), prepared to stomp the first Pixie or Dwagon that dared to cross the line of scrimmage.  The Pixies were on full offense, their eyes glowing bright pink, violet and lime green as they prepared to defend their quarterback (it didn't help that the quarterback was only 3 feet tall, could barely hold the ball, and could not see over the heads of the Orks at all).  The Dwagons (now knowing cookies were involved) were fully focused on the game.  They were on all fours, wings and tails in the air, ready to meet the "big ol' Orks" in sportish battle.  

The call went out, the ball was snapped, and the quarterback somehow managed to catch the ball.  The Orks chuckled deeply at the pixie quarterback's "cuteness" before taking their first step in her direction.  They knew this would not last long and fully expected to take the ball and make their own touchdown before the play was over.

They never saw what hit them.

We have mentioned that Dwagons are about 80 lbs of solid mass, and nearly invulnerable.  Unfortunately for the Orks they forgot both that fact... and the fact that Dwagons can jump.  Six Orks were immediately and painfully disabled as they were suddenly sacked by some unexpectedly forceful collisions to their mid-sections, knocking the air completely out of them.  At the same time the Orks that had managed to cross the line of scrimmage suddenly found themselves lying flat on their backs as Pixies... who by the way do have wings... launched from their defensive positions and hit the Orks full on smack helmet to helmet.   The repeated clang of metal against metal rang out across the field as magically-enhanced Pixie helmets met hardened Ork battle helms.  Some Orks went down immediately while others spent a while walking around in random directions.

One Dwagon managed to run between the legs of a defending Ork, all four legs pumping as fast as they could possibly go.  By the time the Orks realized what was going on the Dwagon was two yards away from the goal line and was standing there waiting.  The quarterback Pixie now finding a gaping hole in the defensive line of the Orks, took her opportunity.  A large crack of force-magic was heard across the field and the ball launched faster and harder than anyone would expect from a Pixie.  It soared in a perfect spiral toward the Dwagon and hit the creature square-on, tumbling it backward head-over heels. When the Dwagon stopped tumbling and stood on its feet... the ball was held snugly in its mouth.

The horn blew, the crowd roared and people jumped to their feet, realizing the Pixies had scored their first touchdown.  

 
CHALLENGING THE PLAY
Suddenly a whistle sounded, a flag was thrown and referees gathered at the scrimmage line.  The crowd grew silent, wondering what was being discussed.  The refs were visibly animated, apparently talking at once about something that seemed very important.  After a couple of minutes they started nodding, grew silent, and one of the refs turned and walked over to the stands.

"PIXIE FORCE MAGIC IS ALLOWED DUE TO THEIR DIMINISHED SIZE.  DEFENSIVE SHIELDING MAGIC ALSO ALLOWED.  FLYING FOR WINGED CREATURES IS PERMITTED SO LONG AS IT DOES NOT EXCEED 6 FEET ABOVE THE GROUND.  ALL OTHER MAGIC IS PROHIBITED DURING THIS GAME.  TOUCHDOWN IS GOOD!"

The crowd erupted in a cacophony of cheers, dragon roars and riverdancing as two changelings by the scoreboard shifted form to show the new score of 2-1.  The celebrative sounds quickly quieted however as the two teams, now mutually respectful, gathered on the scrimmage line for the attempted field goal.  The Orks were now aware and much more mindful that their opponents were not going to be easy pushovers.  Three of the Orks were sporting bandages.  All of the Orks had bruises.  One had to be magically healed from a cracked rib caused by sudden Dwagon impact.  The Orks were now convinced their opponents had some degree of skill and power... and had no intention of repeating the mistakes of the last play.

As they gathered on the line of scrimmage, one of the Orks stated, "You Dwagons and Pixies not too bad."  This was met with agreeing grunts from the Ork side, and appreciative winks from some of the Pixies.  The Orks huddled down in proper positions, for if there is one thing Orks appreciate, it's a skilled opponent.  "This game might be fun after all," the Ork Captain said to the others.

A Dwagon started counting:  "Minety ates.  Twenty free.  Elebenty... HIKES!"  The ball was snapped, set, and a Pixie hit the ball with all the force magic she could muster.  The Orks, far better prepared this time, hit the Dwagon and Pixie defensive line with energetic caution.  Some Orks went down, some Dwagons and Pixies went down, a couple of Orks got through.  One Ork dove toward the ball... but failed to remember that force magic is nothing to be trifled with.  The ball pinged off his helmet with a sharp THWACK and the Ork dropped, stunned.  Unfortunately he pinned the kicking Pixie as he fell so she didn't get to see her first field goal of the game.  The ball caromed off the Ork's helmet and flipped end over end, high above the heads of the Ork team.. and through the goalposts.  

The horn sounded, the crowd jumped to its feet, the Ork fans moaned and groaned.  The changelings shifted and revealed the new score:  TIE, 2-2!

THE GAME PLAYS OUT
The next three hours were an exhibit of the best Footsbrawl game in the history of Elf Clan.  Not since the Raglan Shire World Class Soccer Championship had there been more excitement, better plays or better players than those evident at this game.  The entire contest became a trade-off of the Orks scoring, followed by the Dwagons and Pixies scoring.  At times the defense held and no score was made during the four downs, but then the other team would hold their line as well.  

Never had two teams been so equally matched.  Never had two sides been so determined to do their best in a game.  When the final score was announced no one was surprised:  14 to 14, even tie.  The refs assembled and discussed the matter, turned to the crowd and announced:

"AS AGREED BY THE PEACE ACCORD BETWEEN THE ELVEN AND THE ORKS, IN ALL TIES, ORKS WIN!"  

The Ork fans erupted in loud cheers, their victory roar of WAAAAAGHH heard from both field and audience.  The fans of the Dwagons and Pixies were understandably disappointed but nevertheless applauded and clapped the Ork fans on their backs in an attitude of sportsmanship. 

While both teams had played with equal skill, the decision of the refs was fair and predictable.  The concept was well-known and ancient:  "Orks win."  No one expected anything different.  Regardless of the final score it was widely understood that the Orks would claim they played a better game and considered themselves the winners anyway.  That's just how it is with Orks. Elves have long known:  peaceful and happy Orks are greatly preferable to a number on a scoreboard.

The players down on the field amicably shook hands and paws.  Despite the Orks "winning" the game, the Pixies had earned a fine reputation as valiant players-- and the Dwagons were rewarded with abundant cookies, as was only proper.

--o--

DA DWAGON AND DA ORC
by Snoots Dwagon

Is true story...

The orc smashed through the brush in typical orcish manner, unheeding of the damage caused to fauna or small burrow. His huge battle axe, Crunch and his sword Slasha in hand, he knew himself to be da biggest, baddest creature in da land. He was ORC! Let all fear him.

A few hundred yards further, unfortunately in his path, lay a nest of eggs. The eggs looked odd, covered with scales instead of normal shells, each one colored differently. They had not been wisely placed, and had the dragon who laid them not had a few too many ales that evening in a friendly drinking contest, they might have been placed on a high ridge where they belonged. But, as things might happen, laid they were, the dragon went off to explore a strange sound, and never found her way back.

However, as things would have it, she had the good fortune to lay them near a steam vent, which proved perfect for completing the job she started, even if the inhabitants would hatch without the oversight of a mother.

It should be noted that dwagons are somewhat mischievous even with a mother to guide them. One can only imagine a brood without such guidance.

Of all the eggs, only one had hatched, its former inhabitant pecking at the empty shell and examining the other still-intact orbs. Before long, his brothers and sisters would emerge. But for now he was alone, confused, without mother, and perfectly unaware of all the above. Which meant of course, he was completely happy and curious about everything. Pure, unadulterated dwagon.

He pecked at a couple of eggs, and was rewarded with a resounding peck from within the shell. It would not be long now, maybe an hour or two, before general mayhem would occur, courtesy of a dozen dwagons on the loose. But for now, he was by himself.

There was one thing he knew above all other things: he was the "Offishul Guardian of Da Eggs", an dat was dat.

Unaware of all this, was an orc.

There are three things orcs and dwagons have in common. Both are totally fearless, totally clueless, and therefore totally happy. The unwitting orc happily blundered on through the forest, bringing a near-end-of-life to the countless creatures that barely escaped the size-25 boots that clomped unheedingly forward. Unheeding that is, until suddenly he was greeted by a foot-tall winged lizard with attitude.

"Hi dere!" chirped a high, squeaky voice.

"HUH?" responded the orc, the voice actually making its way through his dull senses and causing him to stop. "HAR! A dwagon!" he roared.

"You an Orc?" the dwagon chirped. "How is you?" The orc looked at him first with one eye, then the other.

"I is fine!" the orc rumbled. "An lots better now dat I gots eggs fer breakfas!"

Now dwagons are many things, but slow-witted is not one of them... which is where they differ from orcs. The dwagon immediately understood the orc's meaning and, since he was "Offishul Guardian of Da Eggs", that was just not going to happen.

"Nope nope nope," the dwagon politely corrected the orc. "Dese are my eggs and dey hatchin' an you not eats 'em." Which of course, the orc thought to be extremely hilarious.

"HAR HAR HAR!" the orc laughed. "You make good joke!" Upon which, the orc made the serious mistake of actually reaching for an egg.

"AARRRGGHH!" the orc roared, pulling back his hand, now showing several dwagon bite marks. "You in trouble now! You bites an orc, you on da menu!"

"BLEH!" the dwagon chirped, spitting. "Orcses taste nastee. BLEH!"

The orc growled. It was obviously smashin time. His hands tightened around Smasha and Crunch as he prepared to add dwagon to his diet.

"DAT DOES IT!" the orc cried. "Eggs an meat on da side!"

"Nuuuuuuuuuuu!" the dwagon screeched and began running around the orc's feet, his little wings flapping.

"I gonna smash you!" the orc yelled. Thinking quickly, the dwagon ran over to the nest and grabbed a piece of his egg shell and put it on his head. His new helmet intact, he turned to the orc.

"Nya nya!" it sang, running to the side to draw attention away from the nest. The orc, totally forgetting the eggs, charged after it.

One thing can be said about dwagons: they are fast. Not as fast as an orc, but a dwagon can make much sharper turns. This was a fact the orc discovered as its head made sudden contact with a tree that refused to move out of his way.

The orc's vision eventually returned and he looked up at the branches, aware that for some reason he was laying on his back. Slowly, cognizance returned to him.

"HAR! GOOD ONE!" the orc laughed. But his laughter was cut short when he suddenly felt dwagon on his chest, saw two swirling eyes staring into his, and felt claws tighten on his chainmail, which he was fortunate to be wearing at the time.

"Sorry bout dis!" the dwagon said, and suddenly latched onto the orc's nose.

"AAAARGH!" the orc cried, jumping to his feet. The dwagon hung on with tiny teeth and fangs as the orc danced around. Just as the orc reached toward the dwagon to dislodge it, the dwagon jumped from it's claw-held position and landed atop the orc's head.

Orcs unfortunately have rather bulky, if long, arms. While they are pure murder in battle because of their reach, orcs simply have great difficulty reaching over their heads in full battle armor. Which is why the dwagon suddenly found itself enjoying its perch, as well as a vantage point from which it could watch the orc dancing around in little circles trying to get to the dwagon. The creature sat down on the orc's helmet, wedging itself between two spikey horns, and enjoyed the ride.

"YA LITTLE SCALED RAT!" the orc cried out. Unable to reach the dwagon, it occurred to the orc to try the battle axe instead. It turned the axe toward the dwagon and hauled back to swing the gigantic, devastating weapon.

He forgot the dwagon was sitting on his head.

The orc found himself looking up at another set of tree branches, different from the first, battle axe Crunch buried deeply in his helmet and just barely grazing the skin beneath. The sound of the impact of stone against metal still reverberated through the forest. Slowly the orc rose to his feet and spent the next couple of minutes walking around in random little circles.

Eventually regaining his limited senses, the orc pried the stone axe from the helmet.

"HAR! GOOD ONE!" the orc said. He turned to see where the dwagon might be. Unfortunately for the orc, the dwagon was right behind him, head cocked, eyeing the one, single area of unarmored body part on the whole creature. The orc heard one, single chirped phrase...

"HINEY BUTT!" This was followed by significant pain to said "hiney butt" as several very sharp teeth sunk unto his posterior. It of course, took a full five seconds for the pain impulse to reach the orc's limited perceptive faculties, during which time the dwagon hung on and sunk teeth deeper. So by the time the orc realized what was going on, there was a considerable amount going on.

"AAAARRRRGGGHHH!" the orc roared in pain, spinning once again to try to dislodge the dwagon from his backside. The dwagon of course, thought this was great fun, and would have continued to hang on as the orc spun, except for the irresistible urge to utter one, single cry of glee.

"WHEEEEEEE!" Upon which, the dwagon dropped to the ground, unfortunately right in front of the egg nest.

"I gonna get you now!" the orc roared. Forward he came, with the weight and muscle of a good size bear, placing the dwagon in a predicament. If the dwagon stood there, he would be stomped flat. If he moved, the eggs would be stomped flat. What could he do?

"LOOKIE DERE!" the dwagon cried out. "BLONDE NAKEE PRINCESS!"

"Whuh?" the orc responded, stopping suddenly in his tracks and spinning around to see what the dwagon was talking about. Which of course, was a mistake.

Instantly he felt severe pain around the ankles as a very swift ankle-biter used one of its main, instinctual attacks. The dwagon wove in and out between the immense feet, nipping at the orc's ankles in such a manner so as to continually draw the orc away from the egg nest. The orc chased the dwagon, which in turn kept biting his ankles, which caused him to further chase the dwagon, which kept biting his ankles in a bizarre battle dance. This dance continued until the dwagon looked straight up and noticed something else: the Orc wasn't armored underneath from the front side either. Nothing but rough cloth separated Orc from air.

Now, it is a well known fact that dwagons have different forms of breath. Some have fire breath, which fortunately for the orc was not the case here. Some have acid breath, which was with equal fortune not the case. But in this particular case, this dwagon's breath was sufficient to meet the need.

The poor orc's eyes widened as the sensation slowly dawned upon his dull brain. For when one speaks of dwagon ice breath, mere cold is not the issue. Even snow and ice cold does not come close. In the far, distant future, a group of men called scientists will discover a substance called liquid nitrogen, which might be almost as cold as dwagon ice breath. And that breath was focused directly underneath the orc, going straight up his chainmail skirt to unprotected regions. The orc found this somewhat disquieting.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed, which provided the dwagon with no end of amusement as the orc danced around, dropping both Slasha and Crunch as his attention focused completely on things far more essential to his well-being than a couple of mere weapons. Fortunately for the orc, his dull senses had caused him to move before all areas of anatomy were totally and completely frozen, and after a few minutes both orc blood and sensation began returning to numbed regions.

In the meantime, unbeknownst to both orc and dwagon, things were happening back at the nest. One peck, then two, then a chirp, then five, then eleven as the other eggs hatched. Eleven sets of eyes peered out of shattered egg shells, taking their first look at the world. And that first look was that of an orc dancing around and howling, clutching smarting body parts, and a small dwagon dancing around the orc... which was something eleven dwagons thought was funny to no end. Quickly they climbed from the nest and joined the orc in this wunnerful dance.

After a while the orc settled down, the numbness, followed by the pins and needles sensation, subsiding to the point it didn't require the entire attention of his limited consciousness. Regaining his senses, he looked down to see not one, but twelve dwagons, of all different colors, chirping and dancing right along with him. Slowly a smile crossed his dull face.

"HAR!" the orc cried out. "GOOD ONE!" and he sat down on the ground facing the dwagons.

"OK, no egg breakfas", the orc stated wisely, considering all the eggs had now hatched. Resigned to his fate, he reached into his backpack. "I guesses I jus settle for cookies."

Suddenly twelve dwagons stopped dancing. Twelve heads snapped toward the backpack, twelve sets of eyes locked on the hapless orc, and twelve little voices chirped in unison...

"Cookies...?"


-- o --

Copyright 2008 Snoots Dwagon